Whether you are in your 20’s or more likely 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s, there are things you should be aware of. I have learned some lessons the hard way, so you won’t be blindsided. One fact is certain, the old dating tactics do not work. This isn’t the 90’s anymore, the landscape has changed. Below are the things I learned and are some of my best tips for men dating after a divorce.

Make Sure Your Ex is Out

As much as reasonably possible, keep your ex-wife out of your life. Obviously kids make it more difficult, but if you want to start dating, she will cause issues in your new relationship. I do not know why so many ex-wives think it is ok to break up a marriage and then hang around just to ruin any future relationships. I allowed this to happen for a long time.

My desire to get back what I lost compounded the problem. I see this, too many times. You meet someone new and then the ghosts of your past start creeping in. Your ex just wants the attention you gave her without the responsibility of being in a relationship. Take it from someone who has been there, cut her loose if you want to move on.

Know What You are Looking For

Just want to hook up? Cool. Actually, looking to get remarried (It is your funeral). Dating is a game these days, how you approach this game depends on your ultimate goals. As long as you are honest with everyone involved, you can do what you want. Too many people are dishonest, the truth will go a long way.

You need to be truthful with yourself as well. Friends (especially married ones) will tell you to “just use these chicks.” It doesn’t matter what your friends say, relatives, or some random guy writing a blog. What are you looking for? Knowing this lets you navigate the situation and disqualify people easier. One of the best tips for men dating after a divorce is to understand your own goals.

Have Yourself Together

If your life is a train wreck, you will not attract anyone worth dating. Maybe if you are trying to just hook up fine, but not if you are trying to get more. Divorce fucks things up. Financially, emotionally, and physically. After my divorce my health was ruined (gained like 20lbs), my head was screwed with, and my money situation was terrible. No one wants that in their life.

What are you going to do, put on your dating profile, “hi I am John, I am broke and fat come get some.” Get your life in order before trying to date. Women should not be the priority anyway. Your own success and happiness comes first, then start dating.

Know Your Deal Breakers

I personally do not want to date single mothers, unless under extreme circumstances. It is my preference given the problems the situation can cause. You need to know what kind of bullsh*t you are willing to accept. Make a list out, on it put all of your deal breakers. Once again this makes people easier to disqualify.

It is important to not assume anything. If you don’t want to be dating someone that is dating multiple people, then this needs to be addressed. Understanding what you do not want is as important as what you want. Figure out the traits that are non negotiable, do not just jump on the first warm body that comes along.

Understand there is Less Quality out There

The amount of quality women, without kids, who are reasonably attractive are few and far between as we get older. We all have baggage, it is just that some of these women were born at the luggage store. You will find that they are just out of a divorce or never married at 40 in which case they are serial daters. They also put their careers above anything else, as if we care about that.

You can date younger, which is certainly an option, but for me I have a minimum age I will go. 25-year-olds tend to be morons. Add to this the ones that go after 45+ men will cause too many problems and have daddy issues. They may be fun for a night, but not if you are dating to obtain a permanent partner. You definitely need to know your deal breakers, but you may have to accept you may not get everything.

What is difficult to swallow is these women now have higher standards, even though they are of lower quality. While in their forties, you need to have X amount of money and be 6Ft, but they can look however they want. The dynamic has changed, this is why so many men have dropped out of the dating market.

It Will be Harder to Meet people in Person

Don’t try to meet someone at your job unless you hate your career and money. Yes, it still happens, but it causes more trouble than it is worth. Women are also much less approachable. There are ways to meet women in person, which I will get to in a future post, but you may have to embrace … dare I say it, online dating.

I mention this tepidly, because I go back and forth as to whether you should use this approach. It works eventually, I met both my ex-wife and my current girl on Match.com, even though I roasted it in this article. This is just the way of the world, where you are basically a number in a card catalog. Like picking out Mayo in the supermarket. There are so many choices, soon they all feel the same. Just know that if you have been out of the game for a while your approach might have to change.

There Are A lot more Stupid Games/Rules

For some reason dating in 2023 has a bunch more B.S rules and sayings. It is like whatever dumb crap the Huffington Post or Buzzfeed can think of is now common knowledge. Ghosting, Zombie dating, beige flags, and a slew of other meaningless tripe that is being spewed out.

On top of this there are all kinds of stages to dating. For some, the first date isn’t even a date. Then there is dating, dating exclusively, then relationships… it is fucking mindboggling, and you will get burned if you aren’t careful. You may be on the 8th date with someone, and they disappear or are still sleeping with their FWB. I find that everyone is trying to win at this, instead of being honest and open.

Lastly, Understand You are in a Different Relationship

If you were married for a long time, you get used to certain things. Whether it is the roles of you and your spouse or how you interact, you had a set routine. When dating for the first time after a divorce you need to remember you are with someone different than your old spouse. They will have different experiences and certain things will set them off.

Take the time to learn about the new person, don’t compare them with your former partner. Also, don’t let your baggage become their issue. Just because your former spouse treated you a certain way, doesn’t mean they new person will. Conversely, what was fun in an old relationship, might not work in a new one. You can’t be set in your ways.

Conclusion: Tips for Men Dating After a Divorce

Just my two cents, there are probably a thousand more things I can share. After a divorce dating can be a learning experience for men. The game has changed and not for the better. Sit back and enjoy the fact you don’t have to deal with that b*tch of an ex.

The post Tips for Men Dating After a Divorce appeared first on A Reinvented Man.

Just look at how many women will share a successful man or be the “other woman.” Men don’t share women, especially not quality men. I once heard that when women cheat it is a betrayal. I cannot argue with this logic. It just cuts us deeper. I have been there, it has been a while, but I made the mistake of taking the person back. Below are 8 Reasons why a man should leave a cheating spouse.

#1 She Put Another Man Before You

This might be obvious, but it is also my number one rule. My partner should never put some other guy before me. I don’t care if it is a friend, relative or some dude at the club. If I am not at the top of the list for the woman I am with, then I do not want to be with her. If a woman cheats on you are not her number one person. She should be the most important woman to you, if she sleeps around you are not the most important person to her.

Instead, she is giving her time and energy (among other things) to someone else. All this while you get the worst of her. If you are married, you get her in the sweats and get yelled at to put out the trash. Suddenly, her coworker gets her at her best. She will try “new” things with him while you get Vanilla sex (or none at all). Any woman that puts another man in front of her partner should be thrown out, you deserve better than to be someone’s second choice.

#2 Why a Man Should leave a Cheating Spouse: The Power Dynamic has Changed

Once a spouse cheats the dynamic of the relationship changes. She has stated she is above you. You are the weak, broken man and she is the person that made you that way. There is no respect there. A girlfriend or wife has to respect her partner and cheating shows there is none.

You are no longer on equal footing; you are beneath her. She got her needs met, without you, while you are pining over her. No matter how you try to cover that up or justify it, that is how what went down, accept reality. You may be tempted to cheat to “get even,” but since this is just a response to her it won’t fix the problem. A man should leave a cheating spouse, unless he wants to be in a relationship where he is less than his partner.

#3 You will Never Trust Her

Now “I am going out with the girls” gets a whole new stomach-turning meaning. Instead of being able to relax and enjoy a quiet night you will be wondering if she is getting Eifeled towered in the bathroom of Applebee’s. Every unknown text or email will have you on heightened alert. That is no way to live. People say that trust can be rebuilt, but can it?

Even if they broke off contact, does she miss him? Would she rather be with this other person? Not being able to trust the person who you chose (and they supposedly chose you) is not a life I would sign up for. There will never be a complete level of trust again, which does not bode well for a healthy relationship. Really, you find out your partner is cheating ask yourself “how can you trust them?”

#4 She Is more Likely to Do it Again

Once a cheater always a cheater might not be guaranteed, but it is much more likely. My first girlfriend cheated on me. Then did it again when we got back together in college. It was a sickness for her. Fast forward to my thirties, guess who cheated on her husband… with me! It was not my proudest moment, something I regret. She made it clear this was not her first time cheating on him either.

Cheaters have lower moral standards. While it is true some people only cheat once, if they did it once they are likely to do it again. You will have to relive all this sh*t again the next time. How many times are you willing to get cuckolded. Better question, would you date a person who sees no problem cheating? If that disqualifies future mates, then it should disqualify current ones.

#5 She Put Your Health at Risk

Who wants Herpes!? Antibiotic resistant gonorrhea anyone? All this can be yours and more if you stay with your cheating spouse. A huge reason why a man should leave a cheating spouse is she is risking your health. Trust me if the scumbag that she is banging is willing to sleep with a married woman, he isn’t being faithful to her. Oh, but they use protection. First, that doesn’t protect against everything. In addition, sure they are.

Forget STI’s for a second, what does this stress do to your body? Learning of a cheating spouse, not being able to trust, all this will tear you apart mentally and physically. A woman should support her husbands health. She puts you at risk when she hits up her EX for one last go.

#6 It Shows You are Weak and without Options

If you stay with a cheater you scream to the world that you cannot do better. Don’t give me this “but I love her” BS. Find someone else. The only man that puts up with a cheater is a man who thinks he can’t get anyone other than that person. Think of it this way, if you were eating a steak and someone crapped all over it would you eat it? Well if you were starving and it was the last food on earth maybe.

That is what she did to your relationship. If you spend any amount of time pining over a woman that cheated you are forgetting something. There are other women out there. Honest ones. A great reason Why a Man Should leave a Cheating Spouse is it allows him to do better. If you don’t leave, then you tell the world that you cannot.

#7 She Degraded and Humiliated You

Her Friends know, and every time they see you, they look at you with pity. The guy probably is friends with her on Facebook, laughing at your couples pictures. By putting another man above you, she disgraced you and your relationship. This woman told the world you are less than.

Are you really going to stay with someone that did this to you? Stop trying to work it out with this person. Degrade them back by walking out the door. Your partner should never disrespect you; I would say F*cking someone else is the ultimate form of disrespect. Do not allow this to continue.

#8 Why a Man Should leave a Cheating Spouse: She Distracted You from Your Purpose

Every second you are thinking about your partner in a human pretzel with the mailman is a second you aren’t building your own life. A woman needs to compliment your life, a cheating spouse doesn’t. What are you supposed to waste more time in counseling so you can relive the horrors? That is time you should be spending bettering yourself.

A broken man cannot live his purpose, whatever that may be. He cannot work hard when he is being distracted by a cheating spouse. When your confidents is shattered it is hard to succeed in any field. Best advice, cut her loose, concentrate on being a man so successful that no one would dare cheat on you. Or just do a bunch of epic things, do not spend a minute thinking about that bullsh*t.

Conclusion: Why a Man Should leave a Cheating Spouse

I get it, you get burned by your partner you want to believe them. You truly want to think it will get better, it will not. Do not stay with a cheating partner. The relationship will never be the same. Those who say it will be lying to themselves.

The post 8 Reasons Why a Man Should leave a Cheating Spouse appeared first on A Reinvented Man.

When you are a newly divorced man it takes its toll on you emotionally. If you are not careful you will spend your days in filth, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, wasting away. As enjoyable as that sounds, it does not make for a rewarding life. The goal of this post is to help with the transition from being married to single. We need to set up our lives as to become the best versions of ourselves and move in a positive direction. It is easy for a newly divorced man to lose himself. Life is now different, most likely you did not want to be in this situation, but here you are, and you must adapt.

A Fresh Start….

Even if the divorce was your idea (which most likely it was not) divorce is harder on men. We are more likely to suffer from depression and even self-harm. It is imperative to have a plan as to how you will reshape your new reality. A divorced man’s world changes radically, if this is not something he wanted it is easy for things to spiral out of control. The good news is this can also be a new beginning. A time when you can make a fresh start. It will not be easy for most of you; below are the skills I think you should focus on to make the transition easier.

Acceptance

Some might not look at this as a skill, but before we do anything else, we must accept the situation as is. The first few weeks after my divorce (maybe months) I was in a daze. I kept wishing for my old life back. I expected a call from my ex that this was all a mistake. My world was shattered, I could not comprehend the new reality.

The fact of the matter is, she was not coming back. This is my life now and I am responsible for making it the best life possible. I needed to accept the truth of my situation, not how I wanted it to be. Once I fully realized my future was not going to be how I originally planned, I can start making a new plan. I could begin with working on my shortcomings and figure out what I want from my future. This does not happen unless you accept the situation as is, not how you wished it will be.

Cleaning/Organization

Let us face it, you may not have been responsible for the cleaning and organizing in your old life. It is easy to let things pile up and fall by the wayside. There is nothing worse than coming home to (or living in) a dirty house. It messes with your sanity and increases your stress levels.

A clean home will make you feel calmer. It clears the mind and brings peace. Cleaning is a skill, it is an easy skill…but a skill none the same. There are two important things to keep in mind a) have a schedule – stick to it, this way you know every part of your house will be completed. b) do not let things pile up. It is a lot easier to do one dish than twenty.

If cleaning is too tedious one of the best investments is a good housekeeper. There is nothing better than coming home to the smell of Fabulosa, knowing someone did all the hard stuff for you. Usually the cost of a housekeeper is not overwhelming, and well worth the money spent.

Organization is what you do after things are clean. Once again this is to relieve tensions. Being a divorced man allows you to set up the house the way you want. If we are being honest, in the past we were told where things go, any push back would cause an unnecessary fight. Not being sufficiently organized causes chaos. Chaos is not good for our mental health or goals. Set up a system that works for you, this is an important step to keeping your sanity.

Planning Social Events

It is imperative that you reconnect with old friends you may have lost during your marriage, as well as keep in touch with as many of your “couple” friends as possible. You will lose friends after a divorce, that is extremely common. It is adding insult to injury, but something we must live with. Still we need a social circle around us.

In the past your wife may have been the one to set up events with friends and even family; now it is up to you. You need to know birthdays, anniversaries, etc. It is imperative you stay social; it will help with the loneliness you may feel.

Maybe you have been married since you were in your early twenties and have no idea the process of throwing a party or setting up a holiday. If you want to keep people in your life, you need to learn to keep up with social events. The hermit life is not good for your mind.

Cooking

My wife is a good cook (if I am being honest a great one). I vowed to learn how to cook out of spite. Some people add love to their food, I am adding hate. I felt like I was robbed of a lot of good meals, meals that we enjoyed together. Since she is no longer providing this to me, I said “F*ck it I will do it myself.” For the record I always wanted to be a better cook but was not allowed in “her” kitchen.

A divorced man cannot live on ham sandwiches alone. Learn to make your favorite foods first. This way you can perfect them and eat them when every you desire. Secondly, learn to cook healthy, here you can improve yourself by enhancing your appearance. Do not just settle for boiling water and throwing Ragu into a pot, take the time to learn something a bit more complex.

Cooking is a skill, but it is not as difficult as people make it out to be. Learn the basics first then expand your knowledge base. YouTube has a ton of videos on how to cook. Personally, I go to Sam the Cooking guy or any class by Gordan Ramsey. I am not a Master Chef by a long shot, but I have already learned to make a damn good Bolognese among other things. The more I learn the less I miss what I had, and I can move on.

Solitude

Being alone all the time is a learning process. You do not just go from spending your nights with the wife (and possibly kids) to having no one to talk to without some adjustments. If I am to be honest it is not easy. Little things like commenting on a news article or a TV show we used to watch together are no longer the norm. These activities have been replaced with solitude.

A newly divorced man will need to get used to this loneliness, because that is what he will have much of the time. Friends help, but even if you are with friends, there is still this underlying emptiness of not being with the woman you married. There are ways around it, but at the end of the day you need to learn to be OK with being alone.

Unfortunately, I can think of no easy way to develop this skill, except live it. The solitude is still difficult for me 6-months later, but it has gotten easier. At times I even enjoy being alone. Just know, it most likely will be hard not having someone around if that is what you are used to. There are things that you can do to help lessen the pain, like throw yourself into work or join a meetup.com group, but at the end of the day you sleep in bed alone.

Dress/Self Care

Again, if most of us are being truthful we let our appearance slide during our marriage. You are not the best version of yourself if you are walking around in cargo shorts and a T-shirt from The Outback Steak House. It is time to start taking care of your outward appearance. The biggest impact is to workout which I will touch on below, but the quickest thing you can do is improve your style.

It does not have to be complicated. I am a big black T-shirt and jeans guy (not always), but I make sure my T-shirts are not ragged and my jeans are clean. There a number of style websites (here is a link to a list of them). No need to spend a lot of money, just keep improving your wardrobe a little at a time.

As for self-care and grooming we all know what we need to do. It is just a matter of doing it. Make sure everything that needs to be shaved is shaved, everything that needs to be washed is washed. If you have a beard keep it groomed etc… These may seem like basic concepts, but look around, how many people are following them? You should look your best every time you step out of the house. This starts with dressing and grooming appropriately.

Dating

As a newly divorced man you may not be ready to date yet and that is understandable. Personally, I am just dipping my toe into the water myself. I was married 5- years (have not dated in 7). Even in 7-years things changed a lot in the dating world.

Much of what the gurus say on YouTube is accurate, even if it is peppered with some ridiculous notions. First, there is little walking up to someone and asking them out. What was done for thousands of years is now viewed as creepy. Most women go online to find someone, where their options are limitless. Here you never know who you will get, it may be an Only Fans Girl looking for customers or a lunatic. In addition, women have much greater sense of entitlement these days, so expect a lot of non-responsiveness. Many will get 50 messages a day that just say “hi,” their options numerous, making it frustrating for men.

You may not be ready to date again. You might even be the “I will never date” guy. So be it, but it is still good to use some of your down time to sharpen your skills. To improve your odds in the dating pool your best bet is to strive for success in your own life. Be the highest version of yourself, financially, mentally, and physically. Other than that, read up on the mindset of women and how it is evolving. It is likely that shift in mindset is what cause your marriage to fail in the first place.

Home Décor

This goes back to keeping your stress levels low. As I look around my “divorced man” condo I realize even I am dropping the ball on this skill. My now ex-wife was much better at making our house a home. I am guessing you are in the same boat as me. Take the time to make your house look and feel the way you want it to. A few pictures and some plants are a good start.

I am all for a minimalist life and I think that should be practiced by most people. Still we do not need our home to look like it was designed by a 1960s Russian central planner. After your living space is organized figure out how you want it to look aesthetically. If you cannot get your home to look the way you would like, move if you can afford it. We are trying to move on after a divorce, not to live in a place that depresses us.

Self-Mastery/Discipline

When you look at your life and do not like what you see blame yourself. Even if your wife left you unfairly. Even if you were kicked out of your house after being laid off because of a failing company. Live by the theory no matter what happens in my life, I did something to cause it. This gives you the benefit of being able to improve or fix it. Fixing your life takes discipline.

Now that no one is nagging gently pushing you to act, you do not get a free pass to watch T.V. all night. Your life has abruptly changed, you need to figure out what you want next. Once you do this, you need the discipline to act. This will help you with all the other skills mentioned. Do not be lazy, get into the mindset of aiming for goals and seeing them through. The one benefit of being a newly divorced man is that his life is his own. No one is there to tell you your dreams are unrealistic, so have the discipline to accomplish what you want.

Develop a Routine

Your old way of living is gone, you may find you are all over the place. Some sleep odd hours (or not at all) and eat at strange times. You may not know what you are doing from one minute to the next. This is not healthy. It is imperative that you establish a routine. This routine can change over time, but you need some normalcy in your life.

Add things to your day that you will enjoy, small pleasures. Maybe grab a cup of coffee or a drink after work. In addition, make sure your routine supports the life you want. If you desire more money and better health, schedule your days to include work on a side project and hitting the gym. The goal is to know what you are doing every day, to not only set a new normal, but also to move you forward. Learn to establish a new routine as soon as the nightmare of the divorce is coming to an end… it is the only way to rebuild your life.

Financial Well-Being

Money, the thing that makes the world go round. One thing a newly divorced man does not have a lot of is money. Although you are suffering now, being broke does not have to be your fate. Even if you are saddled with big alimony or child support payments you should focus on expanding your earning power. Too many of us are in debt from financial mismanagement, being married certainly did not help the situation. In my (limited) experience women are worse with money than men and drag us down financially.

Whatever the reason it is imperative you learn to get your finances under control. Do not accept the horrid advice that money doesn’t buy happiness. Money is freedom and freedom is happiness. Have a good side income, and all of your debt paid off so you can leave corporate life forever.

Even if you earned the money you may not have been the one to pay the bills. Getting organized is important if this was your life. Create an accurate budget as soon as possible. The first step to having a mastery over money is knowing where the financial leaks in your life are and plugging those holes.

Physical Mastery

When marriages drag on or go south, we tend to stop taking care of ourselves health wise. The daily grind is difficult, and we put the things we deem as “unimportant” on a back shelf, such as exercise. In most marriages both men and women stop caring about their physical appearance and health.

A newly divorced man must get himself in the best shape possible. There are many reasons for this; yes if you want to date then it is imperative to look your best. More importantly you must consider other benefits, for example you do not want to die prematurely. Divorce is stressful and it puts your body through hell. If you are out of shape and eating garbage you are risking your life by adding an unhealthy lifestyle. It is funny how many people will throw on three masks to avoid Covid-19 but hit Burger King four times a week for lunch.

Another reason to get into shape is energy. Developing the life you want takes a lot of work. You will have trouble doing this if walking up the stairs makes you gasp for air. Your complacency in your marriage may have caused your health to suffer, make a pact with yourself that you will remedy this and not allow an unhealthy lifestyle in your future.

Conclusion: Twelve Skills a Newly Divorced Man Must Master

Being newly divorced means a new life. How that life goes is up to you. You can sit in your home and beat yourself up over everything you lost, or you can be determined to create the best future you can. Developing the skills above will help you move away from your old life into a newer one. Things will get better, slowly maybe, but they will…you just need to act in order to enhance your future.

The post Twelve Skills a Newly Divorced Man Must Master appeared first on A Reinvented Man.

Divorce for men is different than for women. There are many things that I have to deal with that my soon to be ex-wife does not. For guys divorce is hard, from the stats, it takes a much greater toll on us.

Even though I did not have children, my wife was my family, part of my identity. Yes, I lost my job in the same time frame, but us as a couple was the part of my life I deemed most important. Protecting and making a future with my wife as well as taking care of parts of our home was vital to me. I was not always perfect in these tasks, but I worked at it the best I could. As frustrating as cleaning the pool or taking care of the weeds was, it was my job and I took pride in it.

There are a lot of things no one tells you about divorce. Maybe it is because men’s problems seem to play second fiddle to those of women. I will tell you this, regardless of whether children are involved, divorce is terrible for men. Below is what nobody tells you about divorce and why I feel divorce for men is so difficult.

Everyone Assumes You are to Blame

“How did you blow it?” People will have the nerve to say things like this to you. Whether or not you initiated it, this society is trained to think that the husband is evil. “You must have done something wrong… did you cheat”? “Were you abusive”? It is as if it is not accepted that maybe you did little to cause the situation. I never say “I did nothing wrong”, in the end we are ultimately responsible for our own life outcomes.

Still even if your divorce was not your idea and you wanted to stay married, you will be looked upon as the bad guy. Let us face it, men are always in the wrong. This is not just in society, but in our courts as well. We must have done something to deserve the divorce, even if your wife cheated. Thank Lifetime and Hallmark for making us the people to blame in failed marriages across the country.

It is difficult enough to have to go through a divorce. If you tried to be a good husband and still were left, cheated on, or abused you are the one that is shunned. When women leave their husbands, it is “empowering”, men that leave their wives are pigs. No matter what, in the eyes of most you are to blame. Even if it was not your fault or decision, which brings me to my next point.

You Were Most Likely Left (and Surprised)

A little-known fact in our society is that women initiate about 80% of divorces. Most people assume the men are to blame, hence the above section. The numbers say otherwise, looking at the stats. Women are abandoning their husbands at a much higher rate. Yes, some husbands are abusive arseholes and deserve to be left. So many of us are not bad, our wives just gave up in difficult times or to trade up.

In most of the cases it feels like it is out of left field. Something out of your control can affect how she perceives you which destroys her attraction, such as a job loss. My wife used to say “ride or die”, but left me two weeks after I was furloughed. She convinced herself that my family was the problem, in reality my job situation changed her view of me. You cannot convince me otherwise.

So many women today have no sense of commitment. Yes, I know some men do not either, but women seem to be the bigger perpetrators of disloyalty. Divorce for men is so difficult because it is not our choice most of the time. Women want to live this new life; they do not understand the idea of choices and sacrifice. Do you not think your husbands are sacrificing? Men want to be free as well, to sleep around with a bunch of other people and not have someone nagging us. We sacrifice this freedom to build our family and life with our partner. When women want the free life or to trade up it is easier for them.

Divorce for Men is Lonely

I remember a couple of months ago, before the apocalypse, I had it all. A good job, great dog, and a wife. When I got home, me and my partner would have long conversations about everything. My only complaint was that I hardly had any time to myself.

Fast forward 5-months, I lost my job, wife, and the dog is with her. For the most part I am completely alone. Loneliness is a real problem in this society, I never experienced it so badly as I did these last few months. Before I was married, I had a big network of friends and would see my family on a regular basis. Add to that I would be in an office full of people all day. Pre-marriage I was in Jiu Jitsu training three days a week. All day Saturday after training I would spend time with my friends, it was great to be so busy. Not to be forgotten, I would date random girls at least once a week.

I gave up that life once I got married to concentrate on building a family. Doing that seems like a mistake. Now that my marriage is over, I am flailing at times. The loneliness is deafening. Some people will be there for you when it first happens, but they start to taper off way sooner than the pain does. Everyone goes back to their normal lives and you are still by yourself.

Taking Off Your Ring Will Be Hard

This was especially difficult for me. I had worn my wedding ring all day, everyday for 7-years. I took it off maybe three times, once when it fell into the garbage and we found it by a miracle. A couple of times during grappling practices. For the most part it was on me constantly, I even had a holder so as not to have it slide off my finger.

Two days after I moved out, I took it off my finger. My wife had removed both her wedding and engagement ring a month prior. These are symbols to me. Symbols of something I was proud of, the fact that I had a person who was mine, and someone who I belong to as well. Taking the ring off was gut wrenching. For some reason it made me feel more alone.

If I am being honest there are still days when I put it on. Not sure why I do it to myself, but divorce for men is not easy. It may seem like a small thing, removing a ring; it is what is being represented when it is off your finger.

You Will Lose Friends

One thing no one tells you about divorce is that other people will drop out of your life. Adding to the loneliness mentioned earlier is the fact that some friends will disappear.

When married there are a lot of couples that we would gather with. You may have an old friend that recently got engaged or your wife may know a coworker that she invites over with their partner. Point is you gravitate towards couples. Those relationships are gone when the divorce goes through.

Some people take sides and others disappear completely. Even the friendships that do not go missing may become strained. I have an old friend whose wife I introduced to mine, once my wife initiated the breakup he disappeared for a while. Then said he did not want to get involved, which is strange since I have known him for 8 years. Who does not call a friend after they hear about a divorce?

You may also find many of your old friends’ situations have changed. Before I was married, I had a group of single guys I would hang out with. They are all either married now or have moved away. Some of your buddy’s will get scolded by their wives if they hang out with the new single you. All of this adds to the isolation mentioned earlier.

You May Miss the Routine of Your Old Life

It is funny the things I miss now that my life has been upended. Small events like petting and letting out my dog in the morning. I miss the guy at our hamburger place and the man who provided our salads on Tuesdays. It is weird what you wish you could do after you inevitably move out.

I even miss the bad shows we watched together. Having someone to talk to at night was comforting. Everything has been changed. Yes, I have new routines that I am starting, but they are not nearly as fulfilling. It is different when these things are done alone, this is not how one pictures his day to day.

Divorce for men is difficult because we can be creatures of habit, especially when we are fooled into thinking that we are on the right path. We try to build and maintain that life through routine. When this old way of living is ripped out from under you, you appreciate even the small things that were in your former life.

Divorce for Men is Harder Emotionally

This is a big one and, as typical in our society, it is ignored. Men are nine times more likely to kill themselves than women after divorce. Suicide rates for people getting divorced in general are 2.5% higher than the rest of the population . This is mostly a problem for men. This may stem from the fact that women are the ones leaving.

Men’s suicide is a national crisis that is being looked over by society. Divorce for men is tough on us emotionally. If you are a good man and were trying to build a life with your wife, that life is over after a divorce. There is a hopelessness that replaces your former state. I will say you are not alone; many other guys are going through the same thing.

There were (and still are) days were my depression was so strong that I did not know how to get from one minute to the next. The urge for self-harm was at times real, scary to a point. I lost everything with nothing but a huge, overwhelming road ahead of me to get back my dreams.

Men are too proud to get help. We also do not have the social network women do and we are often ostracized by our community after a split. I already mentioned loneliness, add to that shame and disgust, to name a few emotions you will feel.

If this is the path you are on get a good therapist to begin with. There are also a few men’s divorce groups out there that might be able to provide support. I found mine at Meetup.com. Do what you need to until the emotional toll that this divorce is causing is lessened. You may find that it will save your life.

Freedom Feels Overrated

My married friends, especially the ones that have been married for a while, had a sense of jealousy when I told them about my situation. Yes, they felt terrible for me, but they also had a bit of envy that I was now free to sleep with as many women as possible. I admit that crossed my mind as well. I thought I can now go back to Pattaya and put my penis through a triathlon. This sense of freedom people kept bringing up was also highlighted by the fact that we do not have kids.

The idea of sleeping with dozens of women sounds empty to me now. Do not get me wrong, I miss sex, it has been a minute. I want to be with the person I committed to years ago. I made a vow and I want to keep that vow. What is funny is when I was married, sometimes I would look back fondly on my single days and miss them. Now that they are here again, I want nothing more than to go back to my married life.

To add to this there are a lot of risks for men in terms of casual sex. Besides disease there are many women who will get pregnant just to trap you. I now have this issue to look out for when engaging in flings. I can pay to play in another country, but in the heart of it I want what I had. Sounds strange coming from my mouth, but I do not really want casual sex at the moment.

Divorce for Men Could Make or Break You

There are times I am not sure which it is for me, will it make or break me. A divorce for men will most likely be one of the most difficult times in their lives. Whether the court case is easy or difficult. Whether there are children or not, you will go through hell. I realize there are two paths I can take; I can shrivel up and die a bitter old man or I can learn from this and reclaim my life.

There is no doubt this process is making me more cynical. I do not trust women and I cannot see a circumstance where I will ever fully again. This is a conscious choice on my part. I was burned before this marriage, but the loss of my old life nearly destroyed me. That is not to say I will never date again, but my eyes will be glued open.

All I can do is to make the choice to be the best version of myself while learning from the mistakes of the past. I can only control so much, and this is what I need to concentrate on. My wife’s feelings toward me and willingness to end our commitment is something I have no say in. Although it was not my choice, there are things I could have improved in the marriage as well as things I can improve now. I will allow the pain of this situation to make me a better person. From the above it looks like I am choosing “make me”, but that does not mean the road is without pain.

You Will Get Through It (But There Will be Ups and Downs)

I strongly believe divorce for a man can be conquered, and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Cliche’ yes, but what else do we have. One of the things no one tells you about divorce is how the pain comes and goes over time. There are moments when I believe I am through it, that the pain is finished, and then I see something that gives me a stark reminder that there is still a long road ahead.

You will have good days and bad days, but overall keep fighting and you will claw your way back. Healing is not linear, there are setbacks. One day you are fine the next you are walking around a park and are fighting off tears. This is a loss, a devastating loss even without the courts adding to the pain. Most likely as a man you have been betrayed, abandoned, and humiliated. It takes time to feel right again.

I cannot tell you when things will get better. Especially because months later it still hurts for me. I can tell you the good days are lasting longer, and the bad days do not hurt so much. There will be a time when I move past this part of my life.

Conclusion: What No One Tells You About Divorce

This is what I have experienced as a man going through a divorce. Divorce for men is different and painful. Our circumstances are usually ignored by society, with devastating consequences. The above list is not all inclusive, please let me know if there is something I missed.

Lastly, I mentioned how self-harm increases for men during a divorce. If this is crossing your mind, please stop reading this and visit the National Suicide Prevention website here. You are not alone and should not feel as if you are.

The post Divorce For Men: What No one Tells You appeared first on A Reinvented Man.

I am just a man living through this situation, not a marriage counselor or Oprah relationship expert. Having said this, I would argue so many marriages are failing because men are no longer leaders in their household. Women see this and although they push a different narrative, they lose respect for a man when he follows. This would explain why women initiate about 80% of the divorces.

Today’s society has warped the family unit and nature itself. Human beings are mammals. Both men and women have biological predispositions, evolution made us that way. Yet today all the roles are being reversed. Women demand to be leaders and men are coddling and weak.

Men biologically are supposed to be strong. If you are letting your wife wear the pants in the family, you are doing your marriage a disservice. I am not saying lead in a controlling or abusive way, so please do not get any stupid inferences. If you are asking why so many marriages are failing, I would argue that both men and women are equally responsible because the way the institution is viewed today.

Most Marriages are Unhappy

First and foremost, marriages are failing because no one is happy. Stats do not lie. I already pointed out that 50% of marriages end in divorce. Some argue that this number is higher but let us keep this at 50%. Of the last 50%, at least 40% say they are not happy in the marriage. Do some quick math, 100 people get married, 50 divorce another 20 are not happy. There is a 70% chance you are unhappy in a marriage, therefore unhappy in life. How many of those last 30% are just telling themselves they are happy but are lying to avoid admitting they have boring lives?

Other articles lower the happiness number to 17% (reference here) That means that you are dropping 5K – 10K on a ring, paying crazy amounts for a wedding to have less than a one in five shot at a happy life. I do not like those odds.

Men Are no Longer Leaders

Why are so Many Marriages Failing? To begin with men are no longer leaders in their household. Our culture is encouraging men to no longer be in charge. In almost every society in the history of this world men headed the household. In most of the animal kingdom the male leads the family. Now humans are convincing men that they should not be strong. If you are not a provider, protector, and are weak, pack it up now.

This warped idea of toxic masculinity is being spread everywhere these days; suddenly after thousands of years a man’s natural characteristics are looked upon as toxic. We need to shut up and listen to our wives (or we are mansplaining). Women can be (and should be) the bread winner. God the idea of a stay at home dad makes me cringe. Remember watching animal planet and seeing the male lion take care of the cubs while the female protects the family? I do not either.

Men Have Become Weak…

Men’s very nature as leaders and providers has been corrupted. These guys calling their wife “the boss” or living by the motto “happy wife happy life” are killing their women’s attraction toward them.

We are also being pushed out of the workforce. I saw numerous examples firsthand in which a male (who did a good job) was forced out and a woman took over. This was not due to work performance. I know because I was one of them. I will tell my story at a future date, but my career was almost ruined in the name of equality.

We are no longer the bread winners; we cannot have opinions in our own home, and we have allowed ourselves to become physically and mentally weak. How do you think that translates to attraction? If you are asking why are so many marriages failing, quick answer, because so many men are failing.

Women Give Up Easily

As men get weaker their wives’ attraction for them falls. It is funny how some speak out of both sides of their mouth. They say they speak ill of a man who shows masculine qualities yet will leave their soy boy husbands for someone with those same attributes. You cannot fight nature. Women resent men who they feel have no goals (or at least goals they understand) and are looked upon as weak.

Unfortunately, so many women have also been conditioned by the millions of Simps that they can always do better. After they leave their husbands’ they realize that the guys they meet are either going to use them or they are just as pathetic as their husbands. This leaves both parties unhappy.

It can happen quickly

A woman will lose attraction for a man in the blink of an eye. It is easy to figure out what men want…stay in shape, do not destroy your own hair, we are attracted to physical beauty. That is not the only thing that will keep us happy, but as far as attraction is concerned that is what is needed. No one is asking for a supermodel. As long as you make some effort, we will still love you.

At any time in a marriage a woman will lose attraction for her husband, sometimes through no fault of his own. Lose your job and be in a weaker position financially, you will lose your wife’s attraction. Think I am crazy? Read this article here, where the writer basically admits it. Women are attracted to strength, no matter what they say, get into a place of weakness or lose your drive and she is gone. Whether it is your job or your own pathetic behavior. In the old days, a woman would stand by her man until he was back on his feet…now society says men are not needed. Marriages are failing not only because of weak men, but because women throw away a lifetime of commitment with the first sign of weakness.

False Expectations

I think women love the idea of being married, and the idea of a beautiful wedding more than what it brings with it. Our culture has a prince charming syndrome, where a marriage is all fairy tales and butterflies. To me, women are in love with the Hallmark version of a marriage, while men are in love with the woman herself. In turn I do not think men realize the work that goes into keeping a marriage happy.

Often reality kicks in after about 6 years, especially if you have a kid or two. Now you are stuck in a monotonous situation and the fairytale of marriage is replaced with the fairytale of freedom. It could take a spark, such as a sudden job loss or it could be a slow burn, where the wife gradually loses respect for the man over time. When it hits a tipping point; it is over and the guy cannot understand what happened. He did not realize that he could never live up to the expectation in his wife’s head. If you want to know why so many marriages are failing, it is because lofty expectations destroyed them before they started.

Trying to Change Him

Women love to “change” men. They marry them, then they dissect their lifestyles and nag to them about things they do not like. If you allow it, before you know it you cannot eat meat in the house and your entire wardrobe has changed. Plus say goodbye to any goals you may have.

Men are simple in terms of what we want. Stay reasonably attractive, do not cause us too much stress and help keep the home clean. Sorry, women are just cleaner than men, and there is nothing worse than a dirty woman.

Ways Men Can Keep their Marriages from failing

Maybe I am not the best person to give advice given my marriage is ending, but I feel like I have acquired a lot from the experience. I plan on writing more about how to keep marriage healthy later on, but below are the highlights I have learned so far as what men can do to keep their marriages from failing.

1. Be a Leader: If you want your wife to stay, then you need to keep attraction alive. This cannot be done if you have no direction. Make the decisions and take the lead the with finances (but be transparent). Obviously discuss it with her, but there can be only one leader in a relationship.
2. Better Yourself: You should do this whether you are married or not. Do not just wander through life with no direction. Get in shape, put down the porn and video games and make something of your life. Something you want from this existence (not what others want). This again keeps attraction high.
3. Put Your Foot Down Early: Make it clear what you want and who you are early in the relationship and stick with it. Refuse to change your beliefs or goals just to make her happy. If one day she tells you, “we are vegan now”…you better be putting burgers on the grill that night. Be unapologetically yourself.
4. Tackle Boredom: This goes back to being a leader. If you find your days are all the same, make it a point to fix this. Plan dates or communicate what will work for both of you. Also set some lofty goals together that you can both work toward. This will help you both enjoy the marriage better.

Conclusion: Why are so Many Marriages failing

Marriage is not easy. Once the glitz of the wedding is gone real life begins. Commitment is weak these days. The allure of the free life and the grass is always greener mentality is prevalent all through our society. Our grandparents knew commitment (sometimes to a fault), yet these days we cannot sit through a dinner without checking our phone for something more interesting. If you are not married remember how many unhappy marriages there are before taking the plunge.

The post Why are so Many Marriages Failing? appeared first on A Reinvented Man.

To answer the question should I reconcile with my wife, one needs to ask several follow up questions. Are you able to work on and overcome the problems that got you there to begin with? Has she left you and started dating someone else? Does she even want to reconcile?

These are just some of the things a man must consider before even thinking about a reconciliation with his wife. Going back to the status quo is not acceptable if you want long lasting changes in a relationship. Let me dive in deeper to answer the question “should I reconcile with my wife”?

Are Bridges Burned?

There is a big difference between a legal separation and a full-fledged divorce. Divorce is final, and while it is not unheard of for a man to remarry his ex-wife, that is not a path I can see taking.

A separation on the other hand can allow a couple to figure out what life is like without their partner. Many times, we think we know what we want, but end up realizing the value of what we have thrown away. Many a time a wife thinks her unhappiness is primarily caused by the husband, only to realize it remains when he is gone.

Are Other People Involved

This is for the 80% of men whose wife left them for greener pastures. If your wife wants a separation and you drive by and see a strange truck in your driveway every night, consider the relationship over. This is for your own self-worth.

You are not going to wait then let your wife back into your life when she is done having fun. Why should you make a commitment then get the worst of her? You get the sex once a month and the nagging, but some dude (or dudes) can have all the fun and none of the responsibility? Take your wife back in this situation and you will have a hard time respecting yourself.

On the other hand, if you were the one to leave your wife, and then she started dating, it may be a bit different. Still it creates a level of difficulty that may be too much for some to handle. If you made the choice to destroy your commitment, and now want a reconciliation, you have to live with that choice.

Can You Fix the Problems That Caused the Breakup?

A wife may leave you, blame you for everything then want to reconcile. You may ask should I reconcile with my wife in this situation? Short answer NO, at least not at first. You are not to accept all the blame for the breakup. That is not to say that you are totally blame free…in most cases something went wrong on each end.

First thing you need to do is to make yourself more of a leader in your marriage. This does not mean being controlling, it means taking charge and making decisions. You need to fix yourself; you should know your own shortcomings; you also should know what needs to be done to correct them.

Next, do not take all the blame, you are nobody’s door mat. Admit your faults honestly, but if you are to reconcile it must be under terms that you both agree on.

Since stats do not usually lie, more likely than not, you were left because your wife thought she could find greener pastures. If she (and you) wants to reconcile you both need to figure out what was missing in the marriage.

Transparency

If you are thinking about reconciling with your wife, she needs to make it clear that you can trust her. This means she has to be open about all her behavior that led to this split (vice versa if you did the leaving). This is especially true if there was another person involved.

Although I already put forth my opinion about this, some of you will allow her back into your life after an affair. At least have the courage to make sure she is not still seeing this other man on the side if you are attempting to reconcile. If she is hiding things, clearly that is not a good sign.

Counseling

Couples counseling may be a good place to start in terms of mending the relationship. I personally never attended couples counseling (not by choice) so I cannot speak to its validity. If your wife is not willing to go to counseling, it is a big red flag in terms of her eagerness to work on the problems at hand. One or two sessions (or many more) of couples counseling can help build the trust needed to mend the relationship.

Children

When answering the question should I reconcile with my wife, there may be more than just the two of you to think about. Having kids complicates the situation. You may be eager to work things out to keep the family together, which is commendable.

I do not have children, so I cannot relate to this line of thinking. I understand wanting to keep the household intact, I personally feel that way without having kids. Also, there is no denying kids are better off in a home with both parents, if that home is functional.

Functional is the key word. I do not think kids should be the main motivation in your decision, especially if your wife left you. If the problems are not fixed in the marriage than I do not believe there will be happiness for anyone. Living in a bad marriage just for the sake of the kids only serves to make three or four people miserable, not just two. I am not a psychologist; this is just an observation from a man who has seen a lot of separations.

Does Your Wife Even Want to Reconcile?

Just because things are not as turbulent as they were earlier, does not mean that there is a reconciliation in the cards. We sometimes interpret signals to reflect our own desires as opposed to the reality of the situation. Whether we did the leaving, or she left us, the choice to reconcile with our wife may not be ours.

If this is the case, you must ask yourself a couple of questions. How long am I willing to wait? How much am I willing to endure? If you are waiting around for your wife to reconcile with you, you are not building your own future. You are not moving forward; I would only wait so long before the chance of a reconciliation is over.

Is There Love and Respect

There needs to be true love and respect between a husband and a wife for any reconciliation to occur. None of that I love you, but I am not in love with you B.S.. Without love and respect there is no need to waste your time trying to reconcile. Love is the glue of the relationship. Why would you want to try to mend things with someone who is just lukewarm on you?

Nothing will work or last without love and respect. There will be no quicker way to another separation than getting back with someone who does not really want to be there. I know it seems obvious, but I have seen too many men get back with a woman who does not really care about them, only to be hurt again down the road.

Do Not Worry About the Cost

One last thing I want to touch on is the cost of divorce. Some men who are separated may want to reconcile with their wife, to avoid the family courts that will punish them financially. I personally believe that it is better to lose your shirt in a divorce than waste years or decades of your life in a marriage that is toxic. Do not let money scare you into going back into a bad situation. Money can be remade, time cannot.

Conclusion: Should I Reconcile with my Wife?

Ultimately the decision of whether to reconcile with your wife is up to you. The above are just my observations and guidelines. One thing I do know, something went wrong therefore something needs to change. How you interact and communicate with each other both must be addressed. If you do not you will find yourself in the same situation as before if you do get back together.

The post Should I Reconcile With My Wife? My Two Cents appeared first on A Reinvented Man.

The answer to this question has a lot of layers. At the heart of it divorce is so painful for men because it taints memories, causes havoc in the present and destroys our future plans. Divorce is so painful because it ruins and touches every aspect of your life, now and in the future.

There is more to it than just that, but from an emotional standpoint this is where it starts. Being rejected by the partner you planned on spending your life with is daunting enough, this is before all the other horrible aspects of divorce come into play.

Most Divorces are Initiated by Women

Contrary to what society wants you to believe, divorces are largely started by women. This site here states that over 70% are from wives, not husbands. Different sources state that if a woman is college educated there is a 90% chance, she initiates the divorce…90%! Clearly despite what the Huffington Post tells you, it is women giving up on their commitment, not men.

Men also take divorce much harder than women. The suicide rate is eight times higher for a divorced man than a woman. I will link the reference to that article here. Why is it that a woman is always portrayed as the victim, when men are the ones suffering? Men are much more likely to stick through hard times with their wives than vice versa. Men commit, and honor that commitment, at least all the men I know. Women on the other hand will leave her husband at the first sign of weakness (read my article here)

It Destroys All Aspects of a Man’s Life

I have visited over twenty countries, traveling the world, and made some of the happiest memories in the past 6 years. Most of these memories are ruined now because they were with my wife. The person who told me that she will love me forever, turned into a different person in mere weeks. The last seven years of happiness all feel like lies now.

Obviously, my current life is in turmoil as well. There are days in which I do not know how I will make it through the next hour. The sadness of what I lost is always in my head. I know this will pass, but then what?

In terms of my future all of that has been thrown out of sorts as well. We had a beautiful new home; we wanted a kid and a vacation house overseas. Now I am sitting in an 800 square foot studio wondering what has happened to my life. How did I get here? So, if you asked me why divorce is so painful for men. It is because it taints everything, yet there is so much more.

The Family Courts in America are Terrible

I am in a much better situation in this regard than most other men. I lost my job and my wife makes a good salary. Once she told me we were divorcing, she was not the person I knew, she wanted the house straight up (we both contributed to the purchase of the home). Luckily, she became more reasonable and gave me my share. I am fully aware that I got out easy. Still the idea that my best friend turned into an adversary is hard to stomach.

Many men are not this lucky, When the courts and lawyers get involved it is a devastating and draining experience. Men usually do not make out well, at times even being forced to pay for the wives attorney. Best is case having two vultures (lawyers) split 40% of what was earned through the years while you fight over and (more likely lose) the rest, can destroy a person.

I understand why men feel as if there is no hope. The idea that a wife could destroy one’s marriage, take half of everything they made, and then demand he pay her alimony every month is unimaginable. Not to mention the lack of closure. Judges and lawyers (and wives) that do this to men are evil in every sense of the word. Taking something that you did not earn used to be called stealing, now it is sanctioned by the state.

Getting Kids Involved

I did not have kids; I had a dog. The dog that I played with for hours a day, walked, and took care of is hers. I miss that dog. She has the house with the backyard, so she gets the dog.

In America over 90% of child custody goes to women. So, 70-80% of women initiate divorce and then the women get custody 90% of the time. Equality only works one way it seems. I could not handle it if some bureaucrat took my child away from me. I have seen it with friends. If it is happening to you I give my condolences.

Let us not forget there is now the issue of child support. This is money she can spend however she wants. It is criminal being forced to pay thousands of dollars for a child and the money being spent on her lifestyle. This after the wife leaves the man. Do not get me wrong child support is 100% necessary when used correctly. It is the lack of oversight and the abuses that bother me.

On top of that later a woman can use the children to extort more money. Once again they can spend this however they please. This is a direct attack on a segment of society. If this happened to any other group (homosexual, women, any minority) people would have pitchforks. Men can be punished for being men.

Our Entire Lives are Disrupted

Even without children our entire lives have been involuntarily thrown upside down. Most likely she is staying in the house, we will need to find a new place to live. Some men will lose their cars and bank accounts. All of a sudden, all those shared home duties fall on us. We need to learn to live on our own again.

A lot of the times your mutual friends disappear. I had a friend for 8-years, His wife and mine became friends two months before the separation. I have not heard a peep from him since. You will lose friends, couples, neighbors, etc… it adds to the feeling of isolation.

It is this loneliness that really eats at you. When married we are used to having someone to talk to. Someone to make plans with, someone to joke with. This is supposed to be my person, now they are gone. I have some friends and family I see periodically, but it is not the same. Personally, not having a job certainly adds to my isolation, but getting used to being alone is difficult in and of itself.

You Feel Like a Failure

My wife used to tell me that I was a good husband. That was until she wanted to split. Suddenly, I was terrible at this job (her words). I tried. I worked to make her happy, but everything I did blew up in my face. Nothing could be fixed despite my efforts, nothing turned out right. In my heart I know it was not all my fault, but I was led to believe that it was.

Society and other women treat you like a failure. I have not dated yet, but when I was single (before marriage) women would look at divorced men and see red flags. Remember they are trained to think of men as the bad guys. Society has presented this notion that men are at fault for divorce, even if they did not initiate it. The husband must have done something to cause it.

My marriage was a sense of pride for me. I was proud of our relationship and what we built. I was not perfect by any means. There were things I could have done better. Having said this the punishment certainly does not fit the crime. I was made to feel like a failure. As a person and as a man.

We also are more sensitive to our wives being with other people. Women can hook up on a dime, it takes no effort on their part. We are not that lucky. Even if we could, most would not. Personally, I still feel a sense of obligation towards her. Too many times I have seen women not share these feelings. They take advantage of the freedom they created immediately.

Conclusion: Why is Divorce so Painful for Men?

So why is divorce so painful to men? Let me recap: Most of the time the decision is not made by us but by our wives. Our entire world and future are thrown out of whack and we have little control over this. Men are made to feel like failures, by society, their wives, and other women. We are much more likely to lose our assets than a woman and can be almost crippled by the family court. Men are much more likely to lose their children as well, let us not forget our dogs. After reading all of these facts how can men be anything else but devastated?

Disclaimer

One last point, there may be women who read this and take some issue. I understand some husbands do leave their wives. I also realize not all men are the innocent victims when left. This site is not trying to dismiss all women’s pain. Rather I am pointing out what we are going through. My point of view comes from my experience. In addition, there seems to be a lack of articles that demonstrate the unfairness men face in divorce. The media is skewed, I am showing the other perspective.

The post Why is Divorce so Painful for Men? appeared first on A Reinvented Man.

So, what does I love you but I’m not in love with you mean? This means that the feelings of attraction and respect are gone, she still cares about you like a girlfriend (or a puppy), but not as a partner, not as a man. Does this sound harsh? It should because it is. When your wife or girlfriend says this, it is a five-alarm fire in your relationship.

This does not happen in a bubble; you certainly share some blame for her low feelings of attraction toward you. I am not saying it is all your fault. If you want to have any hope of the relationship being repaired, it is your job to fix it. Let me tell you what I have learned from hearing the dreaded “I love you but am not in love with you” cliché.

It is About Attraction: Nothing Else

I have come to learn in my 44th year just how differently women think than men. After I was told the above statement I was pondering to myself, “why is it that some women stay with terrible guys? Why do they still love men that are abusive, cheaters, or drug dealers etc… Yet they walk away from a nice guy”?

How do I say this in a politically correct manner? Women are not rational like men are when it comes to attraction. If a man shows weakness he is done in her eyes. Women are attracted to men of strength (or perceived strength) first and foremost. Unfortunately for them that even applies to the men that treat them poorly.

How Are We in This Situation?

So how did we get here? Each circumstance is different, but I feel if you thought about it long enough you will find the answer. This either happens gradually over time or by some sudden event (or a combination of both).

In my situation, my wife told me these words two weeks after I lost my job. There were other factors, like weight gain and an overall negative attitude, that I am sure did not help. Her stated reasons for the split were all over the map, but denied it had anything to do with my job loss.

Still too many of her words and actions confirmed this notion of a lack of respect and attraction. From her viewpoint I went from waking up every morning at 5:30 AM to go to work, to sleeping until 9:00 am collecting unemployment. Combined this with her booming career and we have a recipe for disaster.

A Man Needs Goals

Did you act like a man with a purpose? I know even before I lost my job, I got complacent. When we met, I was always looking toward the future, looking at the next step in my career. I was also a brown belt in Judo and frequently winning grappling tournaments. I was a man with confidence and purpose in my career and personal endeavors.

At the start of 2020 I let life come down on me, the job loss was the final straw. So I will ask you, did you stop pursuing your own goals? Did you replace your dreams with hours of video games? Have you become weak toward her, not showing a spine? If this happened in your relationship the loss of attraction is your fault just as much as it is hers. This may be why she says “I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You”

It May Not be Your Fault, but it is Your Responsibility

I was thrown into a bunch of bad situations, not all of them were under my control. Yes, my attitude was in my power, but my unemployment and the Covid recession is something that is out of my realm of influence. Who is to blame is irrelevant. It is my problem and my responsibility to fix. Playing the victim only makes you more unattractive. Man up or be forever considered her buddy.

Warning Signs

How do you avoid the dreaded I love you, but I’m not in love with you comment? If you are on this post, then more likely than not you have already heard it. Still, it might help to know what can be done to avoid it getting this far. If not for your current relationship, maybe your future ones.

1. She is Extra Critical: If you cannot do anything right in her eyes, she is losing respect for you. I remember a couple of weeks earlier being told that everything I did can be outsourced. The fact that I was not valued should have been a warning sign.
2. Affection/Sex has Diminished: Things slowdown in most relationships in terms of sex. If it falls off almost completely there is a problem. Some might say, she is tired or losing her sex drive, do not believe them. I have heard of women cutting their husband off for a year then cheating on them. That does not sound like she was tired, sounds like she was tired of him. If you are not even getting small amounts of affection, you are in serious trouble.
3. You are a shell of your former self: Goes back to what I said earlier about being responsible for the situation. If you are not the man she first started dating, you are complicit in her loss of attraction. Do not gain 75lbs and play video games all day and expect her feelings not to change negatively. Also do not buy this societal you are great no matter what B.S., because you are not, you are great when you make yourself great.
4. She is Disrespectful to you in Public: Women do not belittle men they are attracted to in public. Period. If your wife or girlfriend is constantly cutting you down in front of others, expect to hear “I love you but am not in love with you” shortly.

This list is not all inclusive, but just be aware if the above is happening.

What to Do About it?

There is not a ton you can do to immediately turn around the situation. There are things you can say and do to make things worse. I did many of them and it certainly did not help. Do not cry, beg, act weak, or whine these are all things women find unattractive. I remember I would say things, like “what am I going to do? I do not even have medical insurance.” She turned around and called me weak, that cut like a knife. Really the only way I can see this turning around for anyone is with the below ingredients.

Self-Improvement

If you want to bring back that loving feeling you need to be the best version of yourself that you can be. To start, you need to have a goal and purpose. A man is most attractive to a woman when he is working toward a worthwhile venture. Sorry, being the head elf in World of Warcraft is not considered worthwhile. Yes, it is true that some women will also kill your dreams if they feel their security is at risk, but for the most part you need to be working toward a better you.

So, take this time alone to get into shape, ridiculously good shape. Work on a business venture or finding a better job. Learn a skill, trade, or anything that if seen to fruition will improve your life.

You also must take care of your own sh*t. If your finances are a mess and you cannot keep a house clean make it a priority to do better. A self-sufficient man is a more attractive man.

Time Away

The other ingredient is time. Change will not happen overnight, just like her losing attraction for you did not happen overnight. It will take time for things to turn around. The sad reality is there may never be a reconciliation. You are not bettering yourself for her, you are doing it for yourself. An improved life is the reward in and of itself, whether she comes back in time is irrelevant. Change just for her and you are likely to go back to the status quo if she comes back. Even when things do not work out self-improvement will make you better for the next woman (if you want one)

Time away from a woman has the added benefit of adding attraction. She may start to think she is losing control, which makes her want you more. It is better to spend some time apart than to beg her to love you every two minutes.

When Not to Take Her Back

There is a sad reality that I have been dodging. Your wife or girlfriend may have already moved on, even before she said the words, I love you but am not in love with you. She could have found someone who is a terrible person, but who she sees as a higher value than you. Does this hurt? Good, it should hurt. Use this anger and pain as fuel to improve your life

I am not saying this is always the case, I know for a fact that this is not happening with me (she would not even go to the store due to the pandemic). If it drags on too long it will happen and that is where things end.

If another man is involved never take her back, unless you want to be a weak fool for life. After she is dumped or splits with someone else she was having fun with she comes back to her puppy who she can control. Maybe when she closes her eyes the one time every two-months you guys have sex she is imagining her short-term fling. Think I am lying? Go read the confessions on ScaryMommy.com, women say all the time how much they miss their affair. You are not to allow yourself to be someones second (or third) choice.

Conclusion: I Love you but I’m Not in Love with you

The above are words no man ever wants to hear. They are a cliché and yet cut like a knife. Your relationship may or may not survive after this revelation. Whatever happens work to be the best version of yourself and let the cards fall where they may.

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