As I sit here the day after Thanksgiving and ponder what the F#&K happened to my life, I think about what advice I would give to my younger self. I know something went wrong somewhere, but where? How is it at 44 I am starting over? After some thought, if I had a time machine this is the advice I would give my younger self. Since I do not have such a device, I will target this advice to young men (hence the title).
By societal standards I did everything right. Yes, some of it took a while, but I lived the American dream. I went to college, then went on to get my MBA from an accredited school. I married (a bit older than most, in my 30s). Still, we built a home. Yet somehow, I find myself here, not wanting to go to the supermarket to spend money. For the record I do have more than enough to go to the supermarket, but I am being stingy due to lack of employment. The point is, here I am divorced and unemployed, I am not where I want to be, where I should be.
If only I could build that time machine and deliver the below advice to my younger self. Warn him about what I believe he needs to avoid. We can live with regrets and how they shaped our present, or we can learn from them. Since I cannot change the past, this advice I give young men might help others avoid some of the problems. Below is the advice I would give to my younger self (and to the young men of today).
Stop Wasting Your Time Trying to Please Women
The first piece of advice I would give young men is to focus on yourself, not on trying to get a girlfriend. The amount of time, mental anguish, and money I have spent trying to find a woman is mindboggling to me now. It was all I wanted, and I would do everything to get a girl. When I was not simping or sucking up to women I was thinking about a particular girl, building her up in my head. This never ended well.
Too many times I would either spend resources trying to get a woman and when I did get her, she never would be what I envisioned. On the flip side I would settle making excuses for someone I did not like just to have someone. I let important things slide just to pursue companionship. Is that not the lie we are told? That we should “have someone.” Let me tell you, although it is nice, there are more fulfilling things in your life. Getting a woman should not be your number one priority, a woman should fit into your life after you have achieved success.
I am not trying to be one of those MGTOW guys that says avoid all women and never date. What I am saying is that you need to prioritize. The problem with spending all your time trying to get a girlfriend is that you are not building yourself up. If you get someone great but focus on making your life and future better. The ironic part is once you create the life you want you will have a much easier time getting a high-quality woman. Women are attracted to success, become successful, do not judge your self-worth on if you have a girlfriend at the present.
In Fact, Do Not Waste Time at All
Every second you are not working toward your future you are making me (the future you) suffer. Are those reruns of The Golden Girls worth living in a studio condo at 44? T.V. is the biggest, most mindless, time waster there is, get in the habit of keeping it off.
I am now playing catchup with my life, because younger me did not put enough into my dreams. I get it, work is no fun. If you are in a mindless corporate office for 9-hours, working on your dreams afterword’s can be frustrating and tiring. I would rather have put the work in and still failed than to not have tried, never knowing what could have happened.
T.V. is a huge time waster, but there are plenty of other things that will take your hours. Social Media is a big one, although I never have put too much energy into it. There are also people that you waste time with, people who add nothing to your life. My advice to my younger self and my advice to younger men is the same. Be careful how you spend your time. I put so much energy and money into playing poker and going to bars, that it negatively affected my present. If you are spending time on something ask if it is moving you forward, if it is not then move on.
Get out of Bad Relationships that are Holding You Back
I think back to some of my old girlfriends and cringe. I was engaged to someone that I had almost no attraction to. I spent 8-years being unhappy with a person out of comfort. Another woman I dated was abusive and an alcoholic. I knew this was not a person I was going to marry, I hated even seeing her. Why then did I spend about a year of my life in this relationship? It was easier than breaking up! The amount of time and energy I spent with people that made me unhappy is perplexing. I acted like I had more than one life.
It is not only romantic relationships that get you. I got comfortable at my job also. My boss was never there, I was good at my position and it was easy. Comfort is the enemy of progress; you should be changing jobs every two years until you no longer need a job because of a side income.
Then there are the friends that always seem to drag you down. You continue to hang around them, but you know that they are not going anywhere. Look at your relationships, all of them. If you are not happy in a part of your life cut your losses and leave.
Take Care of Your Career
One piece of advice to my younger self that would pay dividends today is to take care of your career. If you do not take charge of your career path it will be taken care of for you. As mentioned in one company I was much too complacent in my job. I stayed in the same position for 9-years with no promotion. When they put me in a new job with more responsibility, promising to promote me only to renege on this promise, I quit, easily getting a job paying 30% higher. Reinforcing the notion that I should have left years earlier. I was complacent with this company also, not allowing my voice to be heard and it cost me dearly. That is a story for another time.
Do not have blind loyalty to your organization, always be looking for advancement. If you sit in the same job too long you will be typecast into that spot. Companies have no loyalty toward you. If they can save a dime, by getting rid of you they will. This is your life not theirs, so why care about the company you are working for? Work hard, but use them for what they are, a steppingstone to advancing your life.
Take More Risks
In my thirties I had the opportunity to choose between two condos, one a bit more expensive, but much nicer and a smaller one that I would save money on. I chose the cheaper, smaller version; this mistake cost me tens of thousands of dollars and a much lower standard of living. My advice to my younger self is, take a chance every time you can.
Do nothing halfhearted, do not hedge your bets, but run full speed at any endeavor you attempt. I wanted a career in poker (sounds ridiculous now), but I dickered around with penny games. I did not have the discipline and the stomach to play higher level tables. The result was I built a bankroll up to $1000, after years, only to lose it when the government shut down poker sites. Had I played higher games, I would have either made a ton or realize early I was not good enough, and not wasted years of my life.
This is just one (longwinded) example of my failure to take risks. Let them be calculated yes but take them just the same. My career and side incomes all have suffered because I wanted to crawl toward goals without putting anything at stake. Take risks, not taking risks will have the greatest negative effect on your life.
Stay Away from Strip Clubs
Who doesn’t love a good stripper? Beautiful women taking their clothes off as your wallet gets thinner, sounds awesome. My advice to all the young men out there… stay away from these spots (well except maybe in Canada or Thailand). Take it from someone who went a little crazy and spent thousands of dollars in strip clubs through the years. You see, I was not always the savvy man that sits here writing this. After I ended an engagement, I was a strip club guy, just trying to cut loose.
They are fine occasionally, but not on a Tuesday at noon. Strip clubs really are a waste of time and money. You will likely spend thousands of dollars with nothing but an empty wallet and blue balls to show for it. Strip clubs are where the simps go to play! Give your money to a woman for 2 minutes of closeness. It is not like you even get to sleep with them. You are better off getting a hooker once a month.
Now, if you do get a stripper outside the club, which I have, you are giving yourself a whole new set of headaches. All women are crazy, strippers take insane to a new level. We are talking drugs, alcohol problems, violence, the whole nine. It is like owning a tiger, they look cool in the zoo, but will destroy your house and eat your little brother when you get it home. Sure, they are fun, but the juice isn’t worth the squeeze (or the herpes). My advice to my younger self… stay away from strippers!
Act with a Sense of Urgency
This is maybe the most important advice I can give my younger self. You may seem like you have all the time in the world to accomplish your goals. As Kenny Chesney says, don’t blink… you turn around and you are looking at 50. Life moves fast.
The things you want to accomplish cannot wait. If you have a goal and you do not act today to accomplish it, then when will you? Act like your life will one day be over, because it will. I mentioned how all those time wasters are not moving you forward. If you are on Facebook instead of working toward your dreams you are cheating your future self. Everyday wasted is a day you cannot get back. Add enough of those together and you have a ruined life. If there is something that you want to work toward, the best day to start is yesterday, the second-best day is today!
Act Like a Leader
If you do not lead you will be treated like a follower. It is important to take charge of any situation when you encounter it. This goes for your professional and personal life as well. In relationships if you allow it, people will take advantage of you or lead you to the best outcome for them not you. Do not be complacent in your own life.
A leader takes responsibility for the things around him. If something goes wrong at work, take charge and fix it. If a decision needs to be made in your home, be the one who makes it. Create a plan for your life and follow through. This is how you gain respect and accomplish your goals.
The most important thing to remember is you are in charge of your own life. Do not sit passively by and let others dictate how you should live. My advice to young men is to get away from your parents as soon as possible. So many young people today let mommy and daddy control their future. Whether it is a wife, your family, or your employee be your own leader and guiding force.
Do Not Avoid Uncomfortable Things
You will get nowhere if you strive for comfort in your life. Comfort is the enemy of growth. Sitting in a nice warm house eating ice cream feels great at the moment but do it enough times and you will have gotten nowhere.
Another vital piece of advice to my younger self would be to try everything no matter how difficult it seems. I was not a total slacker in this regard, but I could have done better at pushing myself. In all aspects of life if it seems difficult give it a try. Do it poorly, you will get better.
The most incompetent people I know are those 30-year old’s that choose the comfort of their own house over success. Before they know it, they are still at home with their mother and have gotten nowhere. The best moments in life are when you accomplish something you did not think you could. I haven’t been a total slacker, but there were times especially in my career where I have avoided the scary things, most of which were simple once I got around to doing them. Take the harder path, it is easier in the long run!
Do Not Take Your Mother (or Father) for Granted
As mentioned, our lives move fast. People you see every day will disappear. I learned this the hard way in 2012. My mother was not an angel by any means. She was in fact very troubled. Still when she was gone a lot of things were left unsaid.
A week before she died, I ignored her call. Yes, she was not always the nicest to me on the phone and yes there is no way I could know she would not be calling back. Still, I feel I could have done more, maybe said something to help her. At least I could have made a final effort. In your life do not let people slip away without saying what needs to be said. Of course, set boundaries, just pick your battles. Do not take those in your life for granted, they might not be there tomorrow.
Conclusion: Advice to My Younger Self (Or Advice for Young Men)
We cannot change the past or take back the things we did (or did not do). Take what I said seriously, or not… it is your life. All I can do going forward is live the last half of my life bolder and work harder. I have a lot of catching up to do, it is unfortunate my time machine is broken, and I cannot give this advice to my younger self. If you are a younger man reading this, learn from my mistakes.