If you are reading this, you probably are a man in the middle of (or heading toward) a divorce. My wife’s divorce “announcement” was what inspired this website. The end of a marriage is not easy on either party, but why is divorce so painful for men? As I am currently living through a separation and constantly studying other experiences, I feel more than qualified to add my two cents.
The answer to this question has a lot of layers. At the heart of it divorce is so painful for men because it taints memories, causes havoc in the present and destroys our future plans. Divorce is so painful because it ruins and touches every aspect of your life, now and in the future.
There is more to it than just that, but from an emotional standpoint this is where it starts. Being rejected by the partner you planned on spending your life with is daunting enough, this is before all the other horrible aspects of divorce come into play.
Most Divorces are Initiated by Women
Contrary to what society wants you to believe, divorces are largely started by women. This site here
states that over 70% are from wives, not husbands. Different sources state that if a woman is college educated there is a 90% chance, she initiates the divorce…90%! Clearly despite what the Huffington Post tells you, it is women giving up on their commitment, not men.
Men also take divorce much harder than women. The suicide rate is eight times higher for a divorced man than a woman. I will link the reference to that article here. Why is it that a woman is always portrayed as the victim, when men are the ones suffering? Men are much more likely to stick through hard times with their wives than vice versa. Men commit, and honor that commitment, at least all the men I know. Women on the other hand will leave her husband at the first sign of weakness (read my article here)
It Destroys All Aspects of a Man’s Life
I have visited over twenty countries, traveling the world, and made some of the happiest memories in the past 6 years. Most of these memories are ruined now because they were with my wife. The person who told me that she will love me forever, turned into a different person in mere weeks. The last seven years of happiness all feel like lies now.
Obviously, my current life is in turmoil as well. There are days in which I do not know how I will make it through the next hour. The sadness of what I lost is always in my head. I know this will pass, but then what?
In terms of my future all of that has been thrown out of sorts as well. We had a beautiful new home; we wanted a kid and a vacation house overseas. Now I am sitting in an 800 square foot studio wondering what has happened to my life. How did I get here? So, if you asked me why divorce is so painful for men. It is because it taints everything, yet there is so much more.
The Family Courts in America are Terrible
I am in a much better situation in this regard than most other men. I lost my job and my wife makes a good salary. Once she told me we were divorcing, she was not the person I knew, she wanted the house straight up (we both contributed to the purchase of the home). Luckily, she became more reasonable and gave me my share. I am fully aware that I got out easy. Still the idea that my best friend turned into an adversary is hard to stomach.
Many men are not this lucky, When the courts and lawyers get involved it is a devastating and draining experience. Men usually do not make out well, at times even being forced to pay for the wives attorney. Best is case having two vultures (lawyers) split 40% of what was earned through the years while you fight over and (more likely lose) the rest, can destroy a person.
I understand why men feel as if there is no hope. The idea that a wife could destroy one’s marriage, take half of everything they made, and then demand he pay her alimony every month is unimaginable. Not to mention the lack of closure. Judges and lawyers (and wives) that do this to men are evil in every sense of the word. Taking something that you did not earn used to be called stealing, now it is sanctioned by the state.
Getting Kids Involved
I did not have kids; I had a dog. The dog that I played with for hours a day, walked, and took care of is hers. I miss that dog. She has the house with the backyard, so she gets the dog.
In America over 90% of child custody goes to women. So, 70-80% of women initiate divorce and then the women get custody 90% of the time. Equality only works one way it seems. I could not handle it if some bureaucrat took my child away from me. I have seen it with friends. If it is happening to you I give my condolences.
Let us not forget there is now the issue of child support. This is money she can spend however she wants. It is criminal being forced to pay thousands of dollars for a child and the money being spent on her lifestyle. This after the wife leaves the man. Do not get me wrong child support is 100% necessary when used correctly. It is the lack of oversight and the abuses that bother me.
On top of that later a woman can use the children to extort more money. Once again they can spend this however they please. This is a direct attack on a segment of society. If this happened to any other group (homosexual, women, any minority) people would have pitchforks. Men can be punished for being men.
Our Entire Lives are Disrupted
Even without children our entire lives have been involuntarily thrown upside down. Most likely she is staying in the house, we will need to find a new place to live. Some men will lose their cars and bank accounts. All of a sudden, all those shared home duties fall on us. We need to learn to live on our own again.
A lot of the times your mutual friends disappear. I had a friend for 8-years, His wife and mine became friends two months before the separation. I have not heard a peep from him since. You will lose friends, couples, neighbors, etc… it adds to the feeling of isolation.
It is this loneliness that really eats at you. When married we are used to having someone to talk to. Someone to make plans with, someone to joke with. This is supposed to be my person, now they are gone. I have some friends and family I see periodically, but it is not the same. Personally, not having a job certainly adds to my isolation, but getting used to being alone is difficult in and of itself.
You Feel Like a Failure
My wife used to tell me that I was a good husband. That was until she wanted to split. Suddenly, I was terrible at this job (her words). I tried. I worked to make her happy, but everything I did blew up in my face. Nothing could be fixed despite my efforts, nothing turned out right. In my heart I know it was not all my fault, but I was led to believe that it was.
Society and other women treat you like a failure. I have not dated yet, but when I was single (before marriage) women would look at divorced men and see red flags. Remember they are trained to think of men as the bad guys. Society has presented this notion that men are at fault for divorce, even if they did not initiate it. The husband must have done something to cause it.
My marriage was a sense of pride for me. I was proud of our relationship and what we built. I was not perfect by any means. There were things I could have done better. Having said this the punishment certainly does not fit the crime. I was made to feel like a failure. As a person and as a man.
We also are more sensitive to our wives being with other people. Women can hook up on a dime, it takes no effort on their part. We are not that lucky. Even if we could, most would not. Personally, I still feel a sense of obligation towards her. Too many times I have seen women not share these feelings. They take advantage of the freedom they created immediately.
Conclusion: Why is Divorce so Painful for Men?
So why is divorce so painful to men? Let me recap: Most of the time the decision is not made by us but by our wives. Our entire world and future are thrown out of whack and we have little control over this. Men are made to feel like failures, by society, their wives, and other women. We are much more likely to lose our assets than a woman and can be almost crippled by the family court. Men are much more likely to lose their children as well, let us not forget our dogs. After reading all of these facts how can men be anything else but devastated?
Disclaimer
One last point, there may be women who read this and take some issue. I understand some husbands do leave their wives. I also realize not all men are the innocent victims when left. This site is not trying to dismiss all women’s pain. Rather I am pointing out what we are going through. My point of view comes from my experience. In addition, there seems to be a lack of articles that demonstrate the unfairness men face in divorce. The media is skewed, I am showing the other perspective.