As a man in the middle of a separation and possible divorce I am given a lot of unsolicited advice. Telling me that one day I will find someone again and everything will be OK. Little do they know I have no intention of “finding someone” a second time. Marriage and love are no longer the end goal in life. So, I ponder should a man remarry after divorce? Maybe the answer is not as simple as I am making it out to be.
The question puzzles me, should a man remarry after divorce? For the most part the answer is no, especially if you have no future plans to have kids. The work involved in getting into another marriage combined with how quickly it can fall apart is a tough sell for a man who has been burned by the institution. Not to mention marriage can be a dream killer in and of itself. Since I have no plans to have kids in the future, what do I gain by getting married?
I think too many men jump right back into another relationship and marriage, before thinking this through. Statistics back this up, 70% of divorced men will remarry… although you are more likely to get divorced a second time when you do. I linked this article for reference.
The Catch 22 About Marriage
When examining the question should a man remarry after a divorce, we must acknowledge marriage puts men in a tough situation. I believe a wife will never be genuinely happy and attracted to a man unless he is living his best life. This goes beyond just making a lot of money, it is living on his own terms. Yes, financial independence is part of it, but he needs to be living day in and day out the life he wants. Making progress toward the goals that are important to him. The confidence and happiness that this brings is attractive to a woman.
When a man looks for fulfillment solely from finding a wife or girlfriend, he is no longer concentrating on making his life better. I have made this mistake so many times, that I should have my head examined. I let other areas in my life slip, looking needy and weak. This caused the attraction levels to drop and the relationship to end. When you are not the best version of yourself you will destroy your relationship by destroying attraction.
Here is the catch 22 if I am divorced, especially if I already have kids and if I am currently living my best life. Why do I need a serious relationship or marriage? Basically, what I am saying is you cannot have a successful marriage unless you are happy with success outside your marriage, but then why risk that happiness with marriage? This is why the answer to the question should a man remarry leans toward no.
Marriage is About Compromise
There are men out there who had the opposite problem, they loved their job and they worked “too much”. I would argue that most of these men do not love what they do but are trying to get ahead for their family, but let us say I am wrong. If this is what led to divorce, do you really want to remarry and be in the same situation? What would change if you remarried someone else? You will still want to be working all day and the women may still grow to resent you. Once again you will have added pressure on your marriage.
Marriage Can Kill Some Dreams
Sometimes dreams are ridiculous, but just because they seem crazy does not mean they are impossible. If you are slugging away at a job you hate, but you want to start a YouTube channel (random example). Women may judge you harshly, especially when there are failures. Any worthwhile endeavor will have failures. Now you have a critic telling you how ridiculous you are which will cut you down further. You also must worry about pulling your financial weight in the relationship and taking care of your family, so risks maybe harder to take.
I have witnessed this not only in my marriage, but also in others as well. If you are not taking the safe and boring route of being a corporate lap dog, women may respect you less. A girl I dated told me how her ex-husband bought some land that did not appreciate like he expected it to. She mentioned to me this caused her to lose reverence for him (she later cheated on him). Who needs the threat of losing one’s wife and family if there is a failure? This prevents many dreams from becoming a reality.
Another Example
This just popped into my head so I thought I would express it. The former waitress and financial advisor Suzy’s Orman had a woman guest on her show complaining how her husband’s business failed. Suzy (paraphrased) response was this ” I can’t tell you how many times couples got into financial trouble because some man started his own business”. BINGO, that is my point, now you are a disappointment to your wife because you chased a dream. Why get remarried and put yourself through that again? Still clearly some men want to get remarried, so this is my take on it.
When Should a Man Get Remarried After Divorce?
If you are one of those guys who wants a woman in their life (and clearly never heard about Pattaya) then you need to follow some rules. You cannot just jump right back in with the next girl because you have a fear of being alone. Below is the mindset I believe you need before pulling the trigger.
Mindset Needed …
- Fix Yourself: Is your place always a mess? Are you overweight? When asking should a man remarry after divorce, you need to ask what qualities you had that made you unattractive. Fix those problems and keep them fixed. Do not just lose a bunch of weight or get your finances in order just to resort back to your old ways when you get remarried. Understand this, I am not telling you to fix yourself to get a woman, you need to be the best version of yourself regardless if you get hitched again or not. This will have the bonus of keeping your second marriage intact.
- Have Your Own Dreams that You are Making Progress Toward: Do you want to start a business or buy some beach front property? Do it first, make it part of your life, then get the wife. Not the other way around. If you come into a marriage without aiming for what you want your dreams will be crushed. The complaints will start rolling in about how you are wasting time and money. Even if you are successful you will hear how you never have time for the marriage anymore.
- Make Her Fit into Your Life: In your first marriage you tried building a life together… how did that work out for you? When considering the question should a man remarry after divorce, you need to find the right woman for your lifestyle. Does she understand what you are trying to accomplish or is she expecting you to throw that all away and live life by her means? If you cannot find a woman that accepts what you are building towards, do not get remarried.
Bottom Line: Should a Man Remarry After Divorce
Yeah, yeah marriage is about compromise and building a life together, I am going to call B.S. on that. Most likely you tried that in your first marriage with heart breaking results. Now it is time to live your life, if you can find a woman to come along for the ride great, if not do not get remarried. If I was being honest this advice can be given to anyone getting married, not just remarried.
Conclusion: Should a Man Remarry After Divorce
As mentioned in the first paragraph I am separated at the moment. If a reconciliation is in the cards, I will stay married, but there will be some changes to adopt some of the things mentioned above. On the other hand, if it leads to divorce, I cannot see myself remarrying. First, many of my dreams are not conducive to marriage. Secondly, what is in it for me? I won’t die alone if I am married? Sorry, we all die alone… Who knows, this is the recently separated me talking, maybe 5 years from now I will have a different point of view? As of now to answer the question should a man remarry after divorce, my two cents are NOPE!