Divorce For Men: What No one Tells You

I originally wrote this article about why divorce is so hard on men. As time goes on, I wanted to expand on this to include what no one tells you about divorce. You think you know what marriage separation is going to be like. You see it in movies and on T.V, so you have some sense of what it will do to your life. Unfortunately, this only tells part of the story. There are some painful things no one mentions about divorce, especially divorce for men.

Divorce for men is different than for women. There are many things that I have to deal with that my soon to be ex-wife does not. For guys divorce is hard, from the stats, it takes a much greater toll on us.

Even though I did not have children, my wife was my family, part of my identity. Yes, I lost my job in the same time frame, but us as a couple was the part of my life I deemed most important. Protecting and making a future with my wife as well as taking care of parts of our home was vital to me. I was not always perfect in these tasks, but I worked at it the best I could. As frustrating as cleaning the pool or taking care of the weeds was, it was my job and I took pride in it.

There are a lot of things no one tells you about divorce. Maybe it is because men’s problems seem to play second fiddle to those of women. I will tell you this, regardless of whether children are involved, divorce is terrible for men. Below is what nobody tells you about divorce and why I feel divorce for men is so difficult.

Everyone Assumes You are to Blame

“How did you blow it?” People will have the nerve to say things like this to you. Whether or not you initiated it, this society is trained to think that the husband is evil. “You must have done something wrong… did you cheat”? “Were you abusive”? It is as if it is not accepted that maybe you did little to cause the situation. I never say “I did nothing wrong”, in the end we are ultimately responsible for our own life outcomes.

Still even if your divorce was not your idea and you wanted to stay married, you will be looked upon as the bad guy. Let us face it, men are always in the wrong. This is not just in society, but in our courts as well. We must have done something to deserve the divorce, even if your wife cheated. Thank Lifetime and Hallmark for making us the people to blame in failed marriages across the country.

It is difficult enough to have to go through a divorce. If you tried to be a good husband and still were left, cheated on, or abused you are the one that is shunned. When women leave their husbands, it is “empowering”, men that leave their wives are pigs. No matter what, in the eyes of most you are to blame. Even if it was not your fault or decision, which brings me to my next point.

You Were Most Likely Left (and Surprised)

A little-known fact in our society is that women initiate about 80% of divorces. Most people assume the men are to blame, hence the above section. The numbers say otherwise, looking at the stats. Women are abandoning their husbands at a much higher rate. Yes, some husbands are abusive arseholes and deserve to be left. So many of us are not bad, our wives just gave up in difficult times or to trade up.

In most of the cases it feels like it is out of left field. Something out of your control can affect how she perceives you which destroys her attraction, such as a job loss. My wife used to say “ride or die”, but left me two weeks after I was furloughed. She convinced herself that my family was the problem, in reality my job situation changed her view of me. You cannot convince me otherwise.

So many women today have no sense of commitment. Yes, I know some men do not either, but women seem to be the bigger perpetrators of disloyalty. Divorce for men is so difficult because it is not our choice most of the time. Women want to live this new life; they do not understand the idea of choices and sacrifice. Do you not think your husbands are sacrificing? Men want to be free as well, to sleep around with a bunch of other people and not have someone nagging us. We sacrifice this freedom to build our family and life with our partner. When women want the free life or to trade up it is easier for them.

Divorce for Men is Lonely

I remember a couple of months ago, before the apocalypse, I had it all. A good job, great dog, and a wife. When I got home, me and my partner would have long conversations about everything. My only complaint was that I hardly had any time to myself.

Fast forward 5-months, I lost my job, wife, and the dog is with her. For the most part I am completely alone. Loneliness is a real problem in this society, I never experienced it so badly as I did these last few months. Before I was married, I had a big network of friends and would see my family on a regular basis. Add to that I would be in an office full of people all day. Pre-marriage I was in Jiu Jitsu training three days a week. All day Saturday after training I would spend time with my friends, it was great to be so busy. Not to be forgotten, I would date random girls at least once a week.

I gave up that life once I got married to concentrate on building a family. Doing that seems like a mistake. Now that my marriage is over, I am flailing at times. The loneliness is deafening. Some people will be there for you when it first happens, but they start to taper off way sooner than the pain does. Everyone goes back to their normal lives and you are still by yourself.

Taking Off Your Ring Will Be Hard

This was especially difficult for me. I had worn my wedding ring all day, everyday for 7-years. I took it off maybe three times, once when it fell into the garbage and we found it by a miracle. A couple of times during grappling practices. For the most part it was on me constantly, I even had a holder so as not to have it slide off my finger.

Two days after I moved out, I took it off my finger. My wife had removed both her wedding and engagement ring a month prior. These are symbols to me. Symbols of something I was proud of, the fact that I had a person who was mine, and someone who I belong to as well. Taking the ring off was gut wrenching. For some reason it made me feel more alone.

If I am being honest there are still days when I put it on. Not sure why I do it to myself, but divorce for men is not easy. It may seem like a small thing, removing a ring; it is what is being represented when it is off your finger.

You Will Lose Friends

One thing no one tells you about divorce is that other people will drop out of your life. Adding to the loneliness mentioned earlier is the fact that some friends will disappear.

When married there are a lot of couples that we would gather with. You may have an old friend that recently got engaged or your wife may know a coworker that she invites over with their partner. Point is you gravitate towards couples. Those relationships are gone when the divorce goes through.

Some people take sides and others disappear completely. Even the friendships that do not go missing may become strained. I have an old friend whose wife I introduced to mine, once my wife initiated the breakup he disappeared for a while. Then said he did not want to get involved, which is strange since I have known him for 8 years. Who does not call a friend after they hear about a divorce?

You may also find many of your old friends’ situations have changed. Before I was married, I had a group of single guys I would hang out with. They are all either married now or have moved away. Some of your buddy’s will get scolded by their wives if they hang out with the new single you. All of this adds to the isolation mentioned earlier.

You May Miss the Routine of Your Old Life

It is funny the things I miss now that my life has been upended. Small events like petting and letting out my dog in the morning. I miss the guy at our hamburger place and the man who provided our salads on Tuesdays. It is weird what you wish you could do after you inevitably move out.

I even miss the bad shows we watched together. Having someone to talk to at night was comforting. Everything has been changed. Yes, I have new routines that I am starting, but they are not nearly as fulfilling. It is different when these things are done alone, this is not how one pictures his day to day.

Divorce for men is difficult because we can be creatures of habit, especially when we are fooled into thinking that we are on the right path. We try to build and maintain that life through routine. When this old way of living is ripped out from under you, you appreciate even the small things that were in your former life.

Divorce for Men is Harder Emotionally

This is a big one and, as typical in our society, it is ignored. Men are nine times more likely to kill themselves than women after divorce. Suicide rates for people getting divorced in general are 2.5% higher than the rest of the population . This is mostly a problem for men. This may stem from the fact that women are the ones leaving.

Men’s suicide is a national crisis that is being looked over by society. Divorce for men is tough on us emotionally. If you are a good man and were trying to build a life with your wife, that life is over after a divorce. There is a hopelessness that replaces your former state. I will say you are not alone; many other guys are going through the same thing.

There were (and still are) days were my depression was so strong that I did not know how to get from one minute to the next. The urge for self-harm was at times real, scary to a point. I lost everything with nothing but a huge, overwhelming road ahead of me to get back my dreams.

Men are too proud to get help. We also do not have the social network women do and we are often ostracized by our community after a split. I already mentioned loneliness, add to that shame and disgust, to name a few emotions you will feel.

If this is the path you are on get a good therapist to begin with. There are also a few men’s divorce groups out there that might be able to provide support. I found mine at Meetup.com. Do what you need to until the emotional toll that this divorce is causing is lessened. You may find that it will save your life.

Freedom Feels Overrated

My married friends, especially the ones that have been married for a while, had a sense of jealousy when I told them about my situation. Yes, they felt terrible for me, but they also had a bit of envy that I was now free to sleep with as many women as possible. I admit that crossed my mind as well. I thought I can now go back to Pattaya and put my penis through a triathlon. This sense of freedom people kept bringing up was also highlighted by the fact that we do not have kids.

The idea of sleeping with dozens of women sounds empty to me now. Do not get me wrong, I miss sex, it has been a minute. I want to be with the person I committed to years ago. I made a vow and I want to keep that vow. What is funny is when I was married, sometimes I would look back fondly on my single days and miss them. Now that they are here again, I want nothing more than to go back to my married life.

To add to this there are a lot of risks for men in terms of casual sex. Besides disease there are many women who will get pregnant just to trap you. I now have this issue to look out for when engaging in flings. I can pay to play in another country, but in the heart of it I want what I had. Sounds strange coming from my mouth, but I do not really want casual sex at the moment.

Divorce for Men Could Make or Break You

There are times I am not sure which it is for me, will it make or break me. A divorce for men will most likely be one of the most difficult times in their lives. Whether the court case is easy or difficult. Whether there are children or not, you will go through hell. I realize there are two paths I can take; I can shrivel up and die a bitter old man or I can learn from this and reclaim my life.

There is no doubt this process is making me more cynical. I do not trust women and I cannot see a circumstance where I will ever fully again. This is a conscious choice on my part. I was burned before this marriage, but the loss of my old life nearly destroyed me. That is not to say I will never date again, but my eyes will be glued open.

All I can do is to make the choice to be the best version of myself while learning from the mistakes of the past. I can only control so much, and this is what I need to concentrate on. My wife’s feelings toward me and willingness to end our commitment is something I have no say in. Although it was not my choice, there are things I could have improved in the marriage as well as things I can improve now. I will allow the pain of this situation to make me a better person. From the above it looks like I am choosing “make me”, but that does not mean the road is without pain.

You Will Get Through It (But There Will be Ups and Downs)

I strongly believe divorce for a man can be conquered, and there will be a light at the end of the tunnel. Cliche’ yes, but what else do we have. One of the things no one tells you about divorce is how the pain comes and goes over time. There are moments when I believe I am through it, that the pain is finished, and then I see something that gives me a stark reminder that there is still a long road ahead.

You will have good days and bad days, but overall keep fighting and you will claw your way back. Healing is not linear, there are setbacks. One day you are fine the next you are walking around a park and are fighting off tears. This is a loss, a devastating loss even without the courts adding to the pain. Most likely as a man you have been betrayed, abandoned, and humiliated. It takes time to feel right again.

I cannot tell you when things will get better. Especially because months later it still hurts for me. I can tell you the good days are lasting longer, and the bad days do not hurt so much. There will be a time when I move past this part of my life.

Conclusion: What No One Tells You About Divorce

This is what I have experienced as a man going through a divorce. Divorce for men is different and painful. Our circumstances are usually ignored by society, with devastating consequences. The above list is not all inclusive, please let me know if there is something I missed.

Lastly, I mentioned how self-harm increases for men during a divorce. If this is crossing your mind, please stop reading this and visit the National Suicide Prevention website here. You are not alone and should not feel as if you are.