This has been a difficult year for a lot of people. So many have lost their jobs, there has been unnecessary deaths and divorce. My situation is no different. I feel like I lost everything.
Late 2019 I had all a man could want. A great job, a loving wife who I traveled with extensively. We also just moved into a new home; everything was looking up (read more about my story here).
Enter 2020. My marriage fell apart, I lost my well-paying job in one of the worst job markets in the past 100 years. My health suffered; due to stress eating I gained 30 LBS. I was kicked out of my brand-new home and away from my dog (love that dog). On top of that one of my closest friends was diagnosed with cancer. It felt like my world was falling apart, like the universe is out to get me, and me alone.
I told myself “I lost everything, how can I go on?” I have no future. My dreams of having a child with the love of my life are over. At 44 I may never have children. I also could not fathom a life where I had a career path that was promising. It is impossible to even get an interview in this environment.
I felt like I was plummeting from 10,000 feet up and I had nothing to grab on to. Then I took a deep breath and made a commitment to myself. I would have the life I wanted or die trying. Currently I am on my way to rebuilding some semblance of a normal life. There is pain, frustration, and even some humiliations, but I will not stop until I get what I deserve. This is what I learned when I lost everything.
Tips for When You Lost Everything
Everyone has a different definition of what it means to lose it all. For some it is a death, others a divorce or job loss. Or you could be like me and have multiple catastrophes at one time. Whatever your situation I believe that the below advice can be applicable. Even if you are starting with nothing, there is nowhere to go but up.
1. Did You really lose Everything?
Can you really say I lost everything or is it just I lost a lot? This is not to diminish your pain, but to make you realize that you may still have some assets left. If you lost everything, then how are you reading this? See, you still have your eyes, that is a start.
The purpose of this is to gather what you still do have and help use this as a base to get your life back. I once read an interesting statement, “there is always someone in a worse situation then you”. Not that is of any real comfort, but it is worth considering. Someone would kill to have what you have right now, even at your worst. You may have lost a lot, but you did not lose everything because you have air in your lungs and your heart is beating.
2. Accept the Situation
When I lost everything, it was like a bad dream. My wife telling me she wanted a divorce was the worst aspect of it. I thought she was temporarily insane, and she would bounce back. I was wrong. On the job front it was also assumed that my Furlough would end and I would be working again. I was lying to myself.
I was not facing reality; Really I thought I could not face it. My mindset was that I could change what was happening, not realizing that it was already gone. This thought process wasted time. Although you may be in shock it is best to accept the new reality as quickly as possible.
Wishing things were the way they were does not change the facts. I lost everything, I needed to accept the new reality. I cannot make someone love me. Therefore, I needed to accept a world where I was not loved by a wife. I now have less money, needed a place to live etc. You cannot move forward unless you accept the new world order. Do not wallow in self-pity, figure out what is next. Easier said than done I know, but it must be this way.
3. Take Responsibility
It may be tempting to think of yourself as the victim, but I bet there are things you did to help facilitate this situation. Even if you had the world screw you, like my employer and wife did, it is MY FAULT. I could have been better in my marriage. I was not a leader in my own household, in my opinion this is what made my wife leave. This does not excuse her giving up on her commitment. It does give me some power over the situation.
As for my job, well I told myself for years that I needed to develop multiple sources of income, yet it was always, I will do it tomorrow. I could not have predicted that a global pandemic would destroy the economy, but I knew something was going to happen. Somewhere along the line there would be layoffs, or the company would be sold. I allowed myself to be at their mercy for my livelihood.
Therefore, both situations were my fault. Do you know how freeing it is to say that? When you put yourself in control of your problems, you control your destiny. I can easily blame my wife, the government, and my company for stabbing me in the back, but where does that get me? I lost everything because I did not do enough to stop it. Conversely I will get it back by doing more than is needed. Regardless of what happened to you, your actions can make it better.
4. Find Stability
This might be difficult, but it is essential. You cannot do anything until you have some semblance of normality. I do not know what you lost, but let us say it is literally everything, but your health. If it is your job and home, find anything to get by.
As for your living situation, if you must rent a room from someone, move into a family’s house or any friends that will take you in. You need a home base. That is your first priority. You cannot be living in chaos moving from one bed to the next (or worse homeless). This is to regroup not to retreat. You lost everything, get some sense of normality to take the next steps forward.
It is for this reason I find it so important to accept the reality of the situation. Once you do this you will find a new jumping off point. The purpose is to minimize the chaos that has ensued in your life so as to build toward a better future. Yes, you will be living with less than you had, but you need some shred of normalcy to move ahead.
5. Fix What is in Your Control
You cannot change the fact that you were let go from your job. You can apply to 1000 postings, you control that, but you cannot force new employers to look at your resume. There is no control over your wife leaving you if she has made her mind up. These things are out of your realm of influence. Yes, you may have had some part in your own demise, but you can only change the future.
This goes for past mistakes, there is no reason to harp on them except to learn. Unless you own a powered-up DeLorean, you cannot go back to the past and change what was screwed up.
You know what you can do? Make sure your living space is spotless. You can get in the bests shape possible. Take a training course to better yourself. If you concentrate on what you control, your life will improve. It may take time, it may feel like you are making no progress, but keep going. Make the best of what you can influence, there is nothing else you can do.
6. Determine Your Purpose
I mentioned this in my post here about starting over at 40. It bears repeating, because it is an essential step. Now is the time to determine what you really want out of life. Not what you were told to want, not what society or your parents want you to have. You need to decide what you want out of this existence.
Sometimes this almost may seem depressing, especially if you were previously living the life you dreamed of. It is necessary to be able to build toward the future that fulfills you. When I lost everything, I was a mess, it is this focus on my future that gets me through the hard times. I do not know how I would go on if I thought all was lost.
7. Work Your A**off to Achieve Your Goals.
Now that you know what you want, go get it. This is why tip number 3 is so important. You need a place that you can build from. Use the pain of what you lost to fuel your actions toward a better future. Once you determine what you want, the life YOU truly desire, stop at nothing until you get there.
I lost everything I hold dear, but I know what I want. I want freedom, that is the purpose of this website. Part of freedom means owing no one money, so I am eliminating as much debt as possible. I am also building many side incomes, once built, I will never be dependent on a company again for my financial stability. Lastly, a single man is a free man, I will embrace this. This is my focus, you must determine your own.
What is your dream? Want a new wife and home (to each his own I guess) what do you have to do to get it? Do not pine for what you lost, concentrate on what you will gain. Every free second is to be spent on fixing what is wrong.
8. Get the Idea of Comfort out of Your Head
I get it. There is nothing but pain, noise, and chaos…it is all overbearing. You may be tempted to eat your feelings and sleep until noon. Get those notions out of your mind. All that does is temporarily numb the pain, after that you have bigger problems. Your situation has not improved, in fact it is getting worse.
This goes for alcohol, drugs, porn, and even excessive T.V… Turning off your mind will not heal you. Every minute you spend wallowing in Bourbon and Bigbootymidgets.com is a minute you are not working toward your dreams. Accomplishing your goals and building a life that was better than before is what will fix your mental health. Instead of temporally numbing the pain, use the pain as fuel to get you where you need to be.
9. Understand You Are Human
I have a confession, I talk a lot of BS, but I am not Superman. Four months after my job and pending divorce and there is still a lot of pain. Sometimes it feels like it is two steps forward five steps back. Some progress has been made, for example I have lost 15lbs of the weight. Still I have 20LBS to go.
The pain of what I had before I lost everything is always ringing in my ears. Although I do not make a habit of it, I will still try to numb the pain with alcohol and food at times (I end up regretting that). There are days where no matter how much I try and pep myself up I cannot get out of the funk I am in. The path looks too overwhelming, the journey too hard. The concept of happiness is foreign to me.
If your world fell apart, it is natural to be depressed. Do not beat yourself up over mistakes. If you breakdown or cannot let go right away cut yourself some slack. Keep taking steps forward, but realize you are human. Do not wallow day in and day out, but understand, you are expected to feel pain.
10. Think of it as a Blessing
Sometimes a building needs to be torn down for new, better one to be built. This is what happened to me (and I am assuming you). I hated my job, still losing it was difficult. Moving ahead with my life means letting that go. The same could be said about my wife, I thought our marriage was happy, still there were problems even I saw. Losing her will help end some of the constant stress I was under.
Losing everything is a learning experience. People need to remember that anything can be taken away from you. In reality I was blind to this fact. I did not work hard to protect what I had and my livelihood. I can say I lost everything and curl up into a ball or I can learn and grow.
ORDO AB CHAO, Order out of chaos…this is what we will strive for. Too much order and you never grow, you never take a step forward. We get better when we are forced to be better. When life is kicking us and pain is never ending this is when we make strides in our lives if we let ourselves. This is where we grow and become more like the people we want to be. You lost everything…so did I. Now what are you going to do about it?
Bonus Tip: Get Help
I am not a expert, but I know pain. If you feel there is no hope, please do not do anything drastic. Too many people are ending their own lives in these times because they lost everything. If you think the pain is too difficult to handle please visit this web address here. I understand pain, but there is a light if you will let yourself see it. Do not be too proud to get help. You are not alone in your pain more so today. Men especially are having a rough go at it.
You may also benefit from a support group. I found a couple at Meetup.com (but there are plenty of others) with people that were going through similar hardships as myself. I joined a divorce and separation group; it helps to have someone to talk to who knows what you are going through.
Conclusion: I lost Everything
This site is geared to helping men, but I think these days the above advice is relevant to both sexes. Every life has its ups and downs, pain is part of the process. The saying this too shall pass has never been more relevant as it has been this year. There is nothing left to do when you feel like you lost everything other than keep taking as many steps forward as possible.