One day things are going great in your relationship, no clues that anything is wrong. Out of the blue you are hit with “we need to talk”. Nothing good ever follows that statement. Reacting to a breakup poorly can determine a lot. From whether you even have a shot at a reconciliation to your own self-worth. You may not have seen this coming, but it is here. Before you fall on your knees and start begging like a death row inmate, take a step back.
I feel I am an authority on this topic, because I have done such a god-awful job at reacting to a breakup in my past. In my 46 years I have had several women dump me. I may have not always acted with dignity. Thinking back, the long-term effects aren’t bad, in fact I was better off without these women. Still, I made a fool of myself, all while gaining nothing. Now that I am older and wiser, I know the error of my ways. Below are the 5 do’s and don’ts for men reacting to a breakup.
#1 Thing to Do When Reacting to a Breakup: Say Very Little
Nothing you say or do will change anything in the moment. You are not going to plead your way back into the relationship. I have tried to talk my way back into good graces in the past, and surprise, it never worked out. The best thing you can do is be calm, let her say what she needs. After you are done listening to whatever garbage she is spewing, say something like “these things happen”.
Do not let her see that it bothers you. This might anger and confuse her. If you say “I am sorry you feel that way” or “these things happen”, you are handling the loss like someone with self-respect. The knee jerk reaction might be to pronounce your love for her or get angry. Those are futile actions. She made up her mind a long time ago and nothing you say will convince her otherwise. Let her have her piece, nod, say OK and leave it at that.
#1 Thing NOT to Do: Try and Negotiate
You are not going to win a woman back by talking her into being with you. Why make a mockery of yourself? We are being fed a pack of lies in movies and TV. Holding a stereo to her window won’t bring her back no matter how classic a movie Say Anything is.
The truth of the matter is, except under rare conditions, women don’t breakup with guys they are attracted to. I guess if your wife caught you in a three-way with her sister and the housekeeper, she might breakup with you even though she is attracted to you (or she might not). Why is it so many men get away with treating their girls like garbage? It is all about attraction. You cannot negotiate attraction. All the flowers, love songs, or sweet words won’t make her desire you. Reacting to a breakup by attempting to woo her back will disgust her even more.
#2 Thing to Do After being Broken up with: Listen For Clues
Most of the words that come out of her mouth in the moment are going to be BS. They may either be coddling words that make you feel better or more likely things that make her feel less like an arse whole. She rarely says, I am bored with you. More likely it will be she is “too busy for a relationship” or “she loves you but isn’t in love with you”. Real reason, she does not desire you. Listen more and read between the lines.
For me, I always want to improve. Not for anyone else but myself, to avoid future mistakes. Maybe you have a blind spot and got complacent in the relationship. If she is too busy, it might mean you are trying to spend all your time with her. This in turn looks like you don’t have your own life. There is a balance between giving her some attention and smothering her to the point where it is a turn off. Point is, listen to find out the real reasons, not what she is saying. This is for your improvement only, not to win her back.
#2 Thing to Do When Reacting to a Breakup: Don’t Show Emotion
Like negotiating, carrying on and crying isn’t going to win her back. Try to save some face and keep your pride intact. If it is really that devastating sob alone. There is this new push for men to show their emotions, F*ck that push, we aren’t children. Women hate weakness, sobbing and carrying on just shows you to be weak.
Get mad or upset on your own time. If you ever want to get her back (which at this point shouldn’t even be the goal) crying is not going to help your case. Control your emotions, nothing good will come out of breaking down.
#3 Do End it Quickly
Once she said her piece get out of the situation as fast as possible. In my past life I thought if I let the talk end there was no going back. All you do by keeping the conversation going is allow yourself the opportunity to get in trouble. Just walk away, have your peace in solace.
I remember getting broken up with one time and I did anything to keep the discussion going. I cringe thinking about it. When reacting to a breakup, there is no need to hang around. Let the situation play itself out, walk away as soon as possible and save some face.
#3 Thing NOT to Do: Give her Attention
Stop texting someone that doesn’t want to be with you. Same goes for liking Instagram or Facebook posts. As mentioned earlier, you aren’t going to win her back by showering her with attention. All you are doing is making yourself look like an idiot. She doesn’t deserve your attention so why drive yourself crazy.
There is no point beating a dead horse. Dragging out the breakup by showering her with attention, does nothing. What is done is done. Learn from it and do not give her the satisfaction of knowing you are pining over her. If you do give her unwanted attention it will be counterproductive and solidify in her mind why she left.
#4 Do Improve Yourself
It is time to start living your life and bettering yourself. We tend to let ourselves get complacent in relationships, putting our own goals on the back burner. Ironically, not having your own life repulses women. If you are high value, with your own goals and money, then you are rarely going to be broken up with.
I am not saying improve yourself to impress women, although it will. I am saying do it for you. Spend all the time, energy and resources that were wasted on this chick on yourself. We should always be making ourselves better, but in a relationship, we tend to put that on the back burner. Remember what Mickey said to Rocky “Women make you weak”. Get strong and don’t let yourself get weak in your next breakup.
#4 Do Not Try to Randomly Hook Up
A lot of guys will think I am crazy with this one, but you shouldn’t go immediatly into looking for another girlfriend or even a hookup right after you get broken up with. I feel this way for two reasons. First and most importantly, you are looking for validation from women when you run out and try and hook up. It is like you are trying to prove to yourself that you are good enough. Well, you aren’t, at least not now. Go back to the last step, concentrate on improving yourself. Do not look for validation from some skank at the bar.
Secondly, you are in a weakened state. It is like a boxer jumping into the ring 10 minutes after he has been knocked out. Your pride is already shot, all you need is some 200-pound, nose ring wearing, Elizabeth warren supporter shooting you down. This is not the instant to drown yourself in the town pump. Give yourself some time to get through it.
#5 Do Plan Your Life Without Her
Now is the time for a mind shift. Stop thinking about the trips you were supposed to go on. Or the dates you were supposed to have, she is out let it go. Your future does not include her. Erase any plans you had and replace them with new ones. Live your life as if she is not there. When reacting to a breakup some guys say, I can’t do X what if she returns.
That is her problem, she broke up with you. You need to build your life around you, not what was is no longer “us”. This might be especially hard after a divorce. I know I would consider my ex-wife in every situation, thinking this relationship will return. Looking back, I feel like naïve for this thought process, but this is why I am qualified to give you advice. I made the mistakes, hopefully so you won’t have to.
#5 Hold Out Hope She Will Return
In line with the last one, don’t hope she will return. Unless it was some one off fight, she won’t. The way she looked at you has changed. Sure, one day she might come back after you have improved yourself. It isn’t happening any time soon. At that point who cares.
As the saying goes, there is no use crying over spilled milk. She is gone. If she comes back (and you want her) fine. Living your life with false hope does nothing but prolong the pain. Remember HOPE is a four-letter word.
Conclusion Reacting to a Breakup
The bottom line is the more you care or more accurately, the more you show you care the worse off you will be. You will get broken up with. Whether it is a girl you dated for a month or a 20-year marriage it sucks. Carrying on, crying, or getting mad does nothing. Be calm, walk away. Maybe easier said than done but you will be better off for it.