Maybe I am asking this question, or maybe I am answering it. Should I reconcile with my wife? This is a query that has come up time and time as I researched separations. I myself have asked this question when dealing with my own marriage separation. Many men want to know if reconciliation is the best route after a hard separation or even a divorce.
To answer the question should I reconcile with my wife, one needs to ask several follow up questions. Are you able to work on and overcome the problems that got you there to begin with? Has she left you and started dating someone else? Does she even want to reconcile?
These are just some of the things a man must consider before even thinking about a reconciliation with his wife. Going back to the status quo is not acceptable if you want long lasting changes in a relationship. Let me dive in deeper to answer the question “should I reconcile with my wife”?
Are Bridges Burned?
There is a big difference between a legal separation and a full-fledged divorce. Divorce is final, and while it is not unheard of for a man to remarry his ex-wife, that is not a path I can see taking.
A separation on the other hand can allow a couple to figure out what life is like without their partner. Many times, we think we know what we want, but end up realizing the value of what we have thrown away. Many a time a wife thinks her unhappiness is primarily caused by the husband, only to realize it remains when he is gone.
Are Other People Involved
This is for the 80% of men whose wife left them for greener pastures. If your wife wants a separation and you drive by and see a strange truck in your driveway every night, consider the relationship over. This is for your own self-worth.
You are not going to wait then let your wife back into your life when she is done having fun. Why should you make a commitment then get the worst of her? You get the sex once a month and the nagging, but some dude (or dudes) can have all the fun and none of the responsibility? Take your wife back in this situation and you will have a hard time respecting yourself.
On the other hand, if you were the one to leave your wife, and then she started dating, it may be a bit different. Still it creates a level of difficulty that may be too much for some to handle. If you made the choice to destroy your commitment, and now want a reconciliation, you have to live with that choice.
Can You Fix the Problems That Caused the Breakup?
A wife may leave you, blame you for everything then want to reconcile. You may ask should I reconcile with my wife in this situation? Short answer NO, at least not at first. You are not to accept all the blame for the breakup. That is not to say that you are totally blame free…in most cases something went wrong on each end.
First thing you need to do is to make yourself more of a leader in your marriage. This does not mean being controlling, it means taking charge and making decisions. You need to fix yourself; you should know your own shortcomings; you also should know what needs to be done to correct them.
Next, do not take all the blame, you are nobody’s door mat. Admit your faults honestly, but if you are to reconcile it must be under terms that you both agree on.
Since stats do not usually lie, more likely than not, you were left because your wife thought she could find greener pastures. If she (and you) wants to reconcile you both need to figure out what was missing in the marriage.
Transparency
If you are thinking about reconciling with your wife, she needs to make it clear that you can trust her. This means she has to be open about all her behavior that led to this split (vice versa if you did the leaving). This is especially true if there was another person involved.
Although I already put forth my opinion about this, some of you will allow her back into your life after an affair. At least have the courage to make sure she is not still seeing this other man on the side if you are attempting to reconcile. If she is hiding things, clearly that is not a good sign.
Counseling
Couples counseling may be a good place to start in terms of mending the relationship. I personally never attended couples counseling (not by choice) so I cannot speak to its validity. If your wife is not willing to go to counseling, it is a big red flag in terms of her eagerness to work on the problems at hand. One or two sessions (or many more) of couples counseling can help build the trust needed to mend the relationship.
Children
When answering the question should I reconcile with my wife, there may be more than just the two of you to think about. Having kids complicates the situation. You may be eager to work things out to keep the family together, which is commendable.
I do not have children, so I cannot relate to this line of thinking. I understand wanting to keep the household intact, I personally feel that way without having kids. Also, there is no denying kids are better off in a home with both parents, if that home is functional.
Functional is the key word. I do not think kids should be the main motivation in your decision, especially if your wife left you. If the problems are not fixed in the marriage than I do not believe there will be happiness for anyone. Living in a bad marriage just for the sake of the kids only serves to make three or four people miserable, not just two. I am not a psychologist; this is just an observation from a man who has seen a lot of separations.
Does Your Wife Even Want to Reconcile?
Just because things are not as turbulent as they were earlier, does not mean that there is a reconciliation in the cards. We sometimes interpret signals to reflect our own desires as opposed to the reality of the situation. Whether we did the leaving, or she left us, the choice to reconcile with our wife may not be ours.
If this is the case, you must ask yourself a couple of questions. How long am I willing to wait? How much am I willing to endure? If you are waiting around for your wife to reconcile with you, you are not building your own future. You are not moving forward; I would only wait so long before the chance of a reconciliation is over.
Is There Love and Respect
There needs to be true love and respect between a husband and a wife for any reconciliation to occur. None of that I love you, but I am not in love with you B.S.. Without love and respect there is no need to waste your time trying to reconcile. Love is the glue of the relationship. Why would you want to try to mend things with someone who is just lukewarm on you?
Nothing will work or last without love and respect. There will be no quicker way to another separation than getting back with someone who does not really want to be there. I know it seems obvious, but I have seen too many men get back with a woman who does not really care about them, only to be hurt again down the road.
Do Not Worry About the Cost
One last thing I want to touch on is the cost of divorce. Some men who are separated may want to reconcile with their wife, to avoid the family courts that will punish them financially. I personally believe that it is better to lose your shirt in a divorce than waste years or decades of your life in a marriage that is toxic. Do not let money scare you into going back into a bad situation. Money can be remade, time cannot.
Conclusion: Should I Reconcile with my Wife?
Ultimately the decision of whether to reconcile with your wife is up to you. The above are just my observations and guidelines. One thing I do know, something went wrong therefore something needs to change. How you interact and communicate with each other both must be addressed. If you do not you will find yourself in the same situation as before if you do get back together.