In years past one thing I excelled at was finding a toxic girlfriend. There should be monuments honoring my accomplishments in this field. A toxic girlfriend, like all toxic people, will make your existence hell, cause you to question reality, and disrupt your life on many levels. Relationships are hard enough; no need to complicate them by allowing someone who demonstrates poor behavior. The consequences of letting a miserable individual into your life can range from depression and heartache after she leaves, to the more extreme such as violence, arrest, financial loss, and even death (yes, I said death).
Clearly, any toxic girlfriend should be discarded, but how do you know this is the type of girl you are dealing with? To begin with, if you would have read my Red Flags article here you would have weeded these women out after the first date. You did not read it (to be fair you probably could not find it). I am not sure why men have such blinders on when it comes to women. We stay with a terrible person, even though they make us miserable. All of the below advice is from personal experience, this is not something I just observed, it is something I lived.
Before I begin my outline of what to look out for in terms of a toxic girlfriend, be warned. Almost every top article on google is written by a woman. Even a woman that thinks she was toxic, cannot fully grasp all her faults. Women (unless gay) do not know what it is like to have a toxic girlfriend, so they are not the ones that should be giving advice.
Signs of a Toxic Girlfriend: She Drinks Too Much
I mentioned this in my red flags article, but you are here so you missed that one, I will restate it. I cannot stress to you just how difficult an alcoholic will make your life. Looking back, so many of the women I dated were either mild or raging alcoholics. At least with the raging alcoholic you are seeing this person for who they are. Crashing into telephone poles or violently attacking you are clear signs you are dealing with a toxic girlfriend, making it easier to get out.
A mild alcoholic can be a bit trickier. She may have three or four glasses of wine and will slowly change. It will create small stressors in your life, for example, she will be a bit more argumentative. You will be having a conversation and will not be able to understand what happened, why you are fighting. You do not even realize she is tipsy and you question your own sanity.
I like to drink, and by no means is every woman who has a couple of glasses of wine an alcoholic. When someone cannot stop drinking for a couple of days and needs it to “relax,” this problem is not to be ignored. The situation will get worse over time, trust me I grew up with an alcoholic mother. Stay away from a woman who is a consistent drinker, it is the first sign she is a toxic girlfriend.
She has a Poor History (and It Keeps Repeating Itself)
Women want you to believe the past does not matter. Yes, life is a learning process, and we all make mistakes. The question you need to ask is are these one-time mistakes or a personality default? I dated a woman that went to jail prior to our relationship. Somehow, I convinced myself that this person was still ” good” after the horrendous stories she told me. Spoiler alert, she was not a good person. Nothing changed, she would commit crimes, was violent toward me, and got fired from multiple jobs.
The problem is she TOLD ME she was a toxic girlfriend, but I did not listen. Who else is to blame but me? If I dated a bear and it mauled me do I blame the bear? I stayed almost a year with a train wreck of a person ignoring the old and new red flags that she put up.
If you are dating someone who admits to infidelity in the past or slept around, expect to be cheated on when there are warning signs. This is especially true if there was some “justification” for the past behavior. In her mind the other person was the problem, she was the victim. A woman will justify her own selfish actions admitting little or no guilt on her part. Your girlfriends past is a sneak peek into her present.
You Get the Silent Treatment
This is one of those signs I wish I had paid more attention to in my marriage. My wife, even when we were dating, would give me the silent treatment (or one-word answers) after any conflict we had. Sometimes it would last for over a week. I brought her carnations, and she did not speak to me all night. Apparently, according to Sex in the City these are “break up flowers.” I must have missed that episode (along with all of them).
Fights happen, you will mess up, she will mess up, but communication is the key to resolving them. I get every once in a while, a person needs to be by themselves to dissect the situation. It is when it drags on for days and happens with every fight that you need to worry.
Some people think that the silent treatment is a form of abuse. I am not taking a side on that debate, but it certainly is painful. When you are the victim of the silent treatment there is a lot of unnecessary stress and tension. You want to make things right but get no response or feedback. Obviously if you did something terrible like cheated, expect the silent treatment. If you left the pillow on the floor or drank the last Coke Zero, getting the silent treatment is a sign of a toxic girlfriend.
There is No Respect for Your Privacy
One day I left a girlfriend in bed and walked my dog. I come back to something being thrown at me. In her (non throwing) hand was my phone which she went through. Four months earlier I vented to a friend because she complained about me not spending enough on her for Valentine’s day. Of course, she saw nothing wrong with going through my phone.
I had another girl break into my condo and go through my emails after we broke up. Why do women think it is ok to violate someone’s privacy? Many will get egged on by their female friends. I am a private person; I do not want someone seeing parts of my life via my phone and jumping to their own conclusions. A breach of privacy is a breach of trust, never stay with anyone you cannot trust.
There is Abuse
It sounds so simple, if your woman is abusive, she is a toxic girlfriend. Then why do men have such a difficult time realizing that no one has the right to physically assault them? We have been trained to believe women cannot abuse men, that we are, in fact, always the abusers. If you allow someone to lay hands on you it will become a pattern. Sure, most of the time it will not hurt, but what happens when it escalates and you get hit with an object?
There are additional risks to staying involved with an abusive woman. If you are being hit by a girlfriend you run the risk of going to jail yourself. Try to defend yourself and you can become a criminal losing your job and freedom in the process. In almost all situations, law enforcement will believe the woman over the man. Most men will not even call the cops, which puts them at a disadvantage from the start (read this article here) Do not stay with a person that would hit you, this is a troubled woman.
Of course, abuse comes in many forms, more likely (or to start with at least) you will be verbally abused and humiliated. We all have seen women degrade their husbands in public. If they will yell at them or cut them down in front of others, god knows what they do behind closed doors. You can either take this type of abuse and marry it or run. Choose wisely, choose to run!
She is Never Wrong
My marriage was an example of this, no matter what the situation I was the one apologizing. Every fight, disagreement big or small ended with me being to blame. If I wanted peace in the house, I needed to admit I was wrong. Ironically this would be thrown in my face the next time we disagreed. The amount of mental gymnastics this person did just to convince herself that she was “right” was remarkable.
In those rare times she did apologize it was backhanded. Like when one is on an interview and they ask for weaknesses and the candidate says, ” I work too hard.” At times she would say something like, “I am sorry, I trusted you” or “sorry I let you get away with that.” Those are not apologies, they are attempts to put the blame back on you.
Couples will disagree and have conflict. There will be times when you are wrong and should admit it, admitting your mistakes is part of being a man. When you get to the situation where you are always feeling guilty or bad and no matter what you say or do you are to blame, your situation is becoming toxic. Some women would rather let you suffer than admit they are wrong; this will only get worse.
There is Always Drama (or Fights)
Anyone you are dating that cannot seem to get along with others is poison. The fights do not necessarily have to be with you (although they will be soon). You will notice that she cannot get along with coworkers, friends, family members, hell even the mailman and possibly the dog!
Everyone is wronging her, and there is always conflict. A relationship such as this is draining. Even if you are not fighting with her, you are taking on the stress of her constant complaining about her private wars. If the same situation is coming up, just the characters are changing, you will never have peace. Trust me I have lived through this. A person will cut people out of their life because the simplest conflict. Once she runs out of people to attack, you will be her final victim.
Her Financial Life is A Train Wreck
If you are dating a woman who just lost her car, has 200K in student loan debt, and makes 20K a year she will be a toxic presence in your life. This woman cannot get her own situation together and she is likely looking for a white knight. Do not let yourself become responsible for her lifetime of financial mistakes.
I always say have standards and I will say it again…have standards. There is a difference between someone who is having difficulties because of circumstances out of their control and someone who is consistently irresponsible. I consider the latter toxic because all of the pressure will fall on you if you get into a serious a relationship with her. Most people will not change their irresponsible ways. Toxic people poison your life if you let them in. Someone who is irresponsible with money will provide this poison, dragging down your finances and destroying your dreams.
You Never Get Any Credit
Falling in the same realm as never being wrong, you never get credit for your accomplishments or efforts. If I went to the supermarket, I either bought the wrong things or was criticized for how long it took. There was no “thank you for helping me.” When gestures, gifts, or dates are not appreciated, ask yourself if you see a future with this person.
This happened a lot toward the end of my marriage. Nothing I did bought any goodwill or appreciation. I would scrub the pool, pull the weeds, and walk the house and yet I was called lazy and useless. Slowly this behavior added frustration to my life, while hurting my self-worth.
A person may shoot down your accomplishments as well. You may have received a promotion at work and still get criticized for not getting enough money. Maybe you built something that you are proud of only to be told how stupid it is. Back to my marriage, I was seeding our garden with tomatoes from Sicily, months later I commented how great they turned out. The response was “wow, you threw some seeds in a hole.” It was a small comment, but indicative of the way I was treated. If your partner is always putting down your efforts or accomplishments, she is a toxic girlfriend.
She Is a Control Freak
Similar (or combined) with a person that does not respect your privacy, a woman who is controlling and overly jealous is a toxic girlfriend. She may call you when you are out with a family member or scream at you for playing poker with the guys. Realize this behavior will get worse not better over time.
You are a grown man, do not allow anyone to tell you what to do or who to hang out with. Once I was subject to a barrage of hateful texts by a vile woman I was dating. What was my crime? I went to a work event with some colleagues. This was not something secretive, it was something I told her about.
Clearly, use your discretion, no one is saying a married man should be out until 2 am on a Tuesday. You do have a right (an obligation in fact), to have a life outside of your relationship, especially when dating.
Crazy behavior develops overtime, it will start off slow, but get worse through the months. She may be projecting her own bad behavior on you or just be overly insecure. Regardless of the “why” when a woman is controlling it is not cute or a show of endearment. A controlling woman will make your life hell, never knowing what or who will set her off next. This is a situation to leave immediately, unless you crave crazy in your life.
Conclusion: Signs of a Toxic Girlfriend
Women make these posts easy to produce. This list has ten items, but I can add another fifty things you need to keep your eyes peeled for. As I sit here comfortably in my forties, I realize I have no patients for toxic women. The pool is too open, and life is too short to let negative people into my life. Avoid toxic women or cause yourself years of unnecessary stress.