If you are recently divorced or out of a long relationship and are about to get out there again you are in for a treat. Sh*t has changed and not for the better. Being divorced in and of itself makes dating more difficult. Add to that the whole new set of rules, it is enough to drive a guy mad. This is why I am writing tips for men dating after a divorce, so you, dear reader, are not totally surprised.
Whether you are in your 20’s or more likely 30’s, 40’s, or 50’s, there are things you should be aware of. I have learned some lessons the hard way, so you won’t be blindsided. One fact is certain, the old dating tactics do not work. This isn’t the 90’s anymore, the landscape has changed. Below are the things I learned and are some of my best tips for men dating after a divorce.
Make Sure Your Ex is Out
As much as reasonably possible, keep your ex-wife out of your life. Obviously kids make it more difficult, but if you want to start dating, she will cause issues in your new relationship. I do not know why so many ex-wives think it is ok to break up a marriage and then hang around just to ruin any future relationships. I allowed this to happen for a long time.
My desire to get back what I lost compounded the problem. I see this, too many times. You meet someone new and then the ghosts of your past start creeping in. Your ex just wants the attention you gave her without the responsibility of being in a relationship. Take it from someone who has been there, cut her loose if you want to move on.
Know What You are Looking For
Just want to hook up? Cool. Actually, looking to get remarried (It is your funeral). Dating is a game these days, how you approach this game depends on your ultimate goals. As long as you are honest with everyone involved, you can do what you want. Too many people are dishonest, the truth will go a long way.
You need to be truthful with yourself as well. Friends (especially married ones) will tell you to “just use these chicks.” It doesn’t matter what your friends say, relatives, or some random guy writing a blog. What are you looking for? Knowing this lets you navigate the situation and disqualify people easier. One of the best tips for men dating after a divorce is to understand your own goals.
Have Yourself Together
If your life is a train wreck, you will not attract anyone worth dating. Maybe if you are trying to just hook up fine, but not if you are trying to get more. Divorce fucks things up. Financially, emotionally, and physically. After my divorce my health was ruined (gained like 20lbs), my head was screwed with, and my money situation was terrible. No one wants that in their life.
What are you going to do, put on your dating profile, “hi I am John, I am broke and fat come get some.” Get your life in order before trying to date. Women should not be the priority anyway. Your own success and happiness comes first, then start dating.
Know Your Deal Breakers
I personally do not want to date single mothers, unless under extreme circumstances. It is my preference given the problems the situation can cause. You need to know what kind of bullsh*t you are willing to accept. Make a list out, on it put all of your deal breakers. Once again this makes people easier to disqualify.
It is important to not assume anything. If you don’t want to be dating someone that is dating multiple people, then this needs to be addressed. Understanding what you do not want is as important as what you want. Figure out the traits that are non negotiable, do not just jump on the first warm body that comes along.
Understand there is Less Quality out There
The amount of quality women, without kids, who are reasonably attractive are few and far between as we get older. We all have baggage, it is just that some of these women were born at the luggage store. You will find that they are just out of a divorce or never married at 40 in which case they are serial daters. They also put their careers above anything else, as if we care about that.
You can date younger, which is certainly an option, but for me I have a minimum age I will go. 25-year-olds tend to be morons. Add to this the ones that go after 45+ men will cause too many problems and have daddy issues. They may be fun for a night, but not if you are dating to obtain a permanent partner. You definitely need to know your deal breakers, but you may have to accept you may not get everything.
What is difficult to swallow is these women now have higher standards, even though they are of lower quality. While in their forties, you need to have X amount of money and be 6Ft, but they can look however they want. The dynamic has changed, this is why so many men have dropped out of the dating market.
It Will be Harder to Meet people in Person
Don’t try to meet someone at your job unless you hate your career and money. Yes, it still happens, but it causes more trouble than it is worth. Women are also much less approachable. There are ways to meet women in person, which I will get to in a future post, but you may have to embrace … dare I say it, online dating.
I mention this tepidly, because I go back and forth as to whether you should use this approach. It works eventually, I met both my ex-wife and my current girl on Match.com, even though I roasted it in this article. This is just the way of the world, where you are basically a number in a card catalog. Like picking out Mayo in the supermarket. There are so many choices, soon they all feel the same. Just know that if you have been out of the game for a while your approach might have to change.
There Are A lot more Stupid Games/Rules
For some reason dating in 2023 has a bunch more B.S rules and sayings. It is like whatever dumb crap the Huffington Post or Buzzfeed can think of is now common knowledge. Ghosting, Zombie dating, beige flags, and a slew of other meaningless tripe that is being spewed out.
On top of this there are all kinds of stages to dating. For some, the first date isn’t even a date. Then there is dating, dating exclusively, then relationships… it is fucking mindboggling, and you will get burned if you aren’t careful. You may be on the 8th date with someone, and they disappear or are still sleeping with their FWB. I find that everyone is trying to win at this, instead of being honest and open.
Lastly, Understand You are in a Different Relationship
If you were married for a long time, you get used to certain things. Whether it is the roles of you and your spouse or how you interact, you had a set routine. When dating for the first time after a divorce you need to remember you are with someone different than your old spouse. They will have different experiences and certain things will set them off.
Take the time to learn about the new person, don’t compare them with your former partner. Also, don’t let your baggage become their issue. Just because your former spouse treated you a certain way, doesn’t mean they new person will. Conversely, what was fun in an old relationship, might not work in a new one. You can’t be set in your ways.
Conclusion: Tips for Men Dating After a Divorce
Just my two cents, there are probably a thousand more things I can share. After a divorce dating can be a learning experience for men. The game has changed and not for the better. Sit back and enjoy the fact you don’t have to deal with that b*tch of an ex.