Dating was hard enough when we were younger. In my last post I discussed how dating has changed in the last 10 years. Spoiler alert, for men it has gotten more difficult. If you are looking up “tips for men dating over forty” more likely than not you are dealing with the end of your marriage like I was. Having been out of the game, most older men do not know what they are missing in terms of the modern dating scene!
What worked out of college will not work now. First, women have changed in the past 20 or so years and not for the better. They are less approachable and on average less datable. Secondly, regardless of the time, twenty somethings are just different than more “seasoned” ladies. Your approach needs to reflect your age target.
Not that I am knocking it out of the park these days, but I do OK. For those of you ready to jump back into the hell that is a relationship in middle age, here are my tips for men dating over forty. As usual this isn’t inclusive, just some tidbits I have discovered in my experiences as well as speaking to those around me.
Have Your SH*T Together
That lead singer in a garage band living with his mother might be attractive to the 20 something year-old woman, but not to a woman who would date a man in his forties. You are not going to find a quality partner if your life is a train wreck. No woman cares about a forty-five-year-old man with ” big plans”. A career or at least a history of stable employment, maybe a house and of course a car are needed.
If you do not have a decent career or field of expertise, then you have bigger things to worry about than dating. Have your sh*t together. Own a home, have some money in the bank, don’t be a financial wreck. Singing brown eyed girl at your local brewery for tips looks pathetic when a 40-year-old man tries it.
Dress Like a Man
I would be doing a disservice if when laying out tips for men dating over forty if I didn’t point out the poor sense of style that is so abundant all around me. People can’t dress these days. I am a strong proponent of looking good and dressing like an adult. If you want to attract a decent woman this tip is important. This means throwing away those old free work t-shirts. Same with the cargo shorts…I know you need the pockets, but you’ll live. Don’t get me started on your team’s football Jersey. The only people who should be wearing Jerseys are players and 14-year-old (and younger) boys.
You are no longer married (if you ever were). If you want to win someone over that is worth a damn, you need to look presentable. I am not saying spend a ton of money, just start with tossing your old garbage items. Make sure your clothes fit and take it from there. There are plenty of websites that can give you pointers. Doing this will put you ahead of your competition.
Be The Best Version of Yourself
This isn’t just a tip for a man dating in his forties, this is universal for anyone trying to find a partner. You want to attract women and have a easier dating life? Improve yourself. More likely than not you have developed bad habits while being in a committed relationship for years if not decades. Everyone tends to get complacent after being with someone for a long time. Those habits will not allow you to attract someone new.
Before one begins to date, set up a plan of improvement. I discussed clothes, but to really improve your look get into decent shape. Make a commitment to eat better and hit the gym. Outside of that, improve your environment, if you are living in squalor change that. Same goes with your car, clean it and keep it clean. Financial competence is key also, if you want to attract someone worth dating, you need to be someone worth dating yourself.
Hang Out at Adult Bars/Locations
Surround yourself with grungy 20 something year-old hipsters and that is what will be available. True, we tend to date younger, but trust me a 22-year-old isn’t someone you want a relationship with. Assuming you are trying to date and not just hook up, you need to be around people your own age (or at least 10-15 years within your range).
This will take a bit of research, but a general rule of thumb is stay away from clubs or anything where you can’t hear yourself talk. Wine bars, hotel bars, or wineries are a good option. If you don’t drink, then I am thinking Church or visit Meetup.com, look for activities geared toward people (single people preferably) over 30. Of course, you will need someone to go with, which leads me to my next point.
Find Some Wingmen
One thing you may discover when you are over forty and trying to go meet people is all your friends are in committed relationships. They have families and can’t really go out until 2:00AM. Plus wives are increasingly suspicious of their husbands’ single friends (and let’s face it no matter what happened you are to blame for any breakup that occurs between them).
It is important to start to develop a network of single guy friends that can help you achieve your goals. Besides the obvious of having someone to go out with, it is nice to bounce ideas off each other. You may have a blind spot to a potential partner that is obvious to others in your group. At the very least you can have someone to swap war stories with, believe me there will be stories.
Have standards
When we are young, sometimes we date people that are train wrecks. There is this desperation to just “have a girlfriend”. In your forties you can’t afford to waste time. Women must be properly vetted, there is just too much to risk. Mainly, because so many of the single women in our age range have obvious flaws. For example, I have made it clear how I feel bout dating single mothers here. They just bring too much baggage.
One of the unfortunate facts about a man dating in his forties is that his good options are few and far between. I guess this can be said for women dating in their forties also. Yes, men are at an advantage as we get older because we tend to date younger. Still, it is important to know your deal breakers and keep an eye out for unacceptable behavior. You went through four decades of picking the wrong person, now is the time to have standards.
Understand (and communicate) What You are Trying to Achieve
What exactly are you looking for? Just a hookup? Are you crazy enough to want to be married (or worse yet get remarried) at forty? Some of us want to date casually, while others want to settle down. Either is fine, but you probably should know what it is you want.
Just as importantly, communicate this with who you are dating. It isn’t fair to waste a woman’s time if she is ready to get married and you could not stand splitting dessert with someone else. It all comes back to the idea that we have less time to waste, so it is best avoiding any confusion upfront.
Use Online Dating Sparingly
One of the major tips for men dating over forty is how you use the dating websites. Online dating sites should not be the backbone of your relationship hunt. They are terrible for men for a number of different reasons. First, we are at a major disadvantage, and it could be extremely frustrating. I am not 100% against online dating, I did meet my now ex-wife on a site. These days the odds are not in our favor and even the most “well-fed” women are picky as hell, for no other reason than they can be.
A second reason I think you need to meet is it helps you develop your social skills and game. It is important to be able to talk to someone, not just send a message. It takes courage to approach a woman, the more you do it the better you will be. This helps with confidence and will lead to more success. Online dating is fine, just do not get too wrapped up in it.
Be Interesting
There are a lot of boring people out there. Boring men do not do well on the dating market. To be interesting do interesting things. Now that you are single you should have a decent amount of time and money (at least time). Instead of watching TV and scrolling Facebook, fill your days with activities. Learn a language, travel, take up kickboxing… anything that you enjoy that will make you stand out from everyone else.
A bonus is you might meet a partner at whatever activity you choose. Join a travel group or hiking club and you could end up finding someone with similar interests. Maybe not so much Kickboxing, but I did witness a marriage between two Judo players once, so you never know. Point is, don’t focus on dating so much as focusing on having an interesting life. It will make dating easier.
Cut Loose Dead Ends
Probably the best of the tips for men dating in their forties is to end bad relationships as soon as possible. As mentioned, time is not on our side. So many times, in the past I wasted months and years on the wrong person. The woman who I knew wasn’t right for me and the relationship was going nowhere. Now that I am in my forties, I will not make that mistake.
At forty we can no longer afford to be in a bad situation. It is better to be single, hell being single is great anyway. Being in a bad relationship is not. What, are you going to waste your next 20-years just settling? You are allowed to have standards and you have a right not to waste time. Do not fear being alone, we die alone anyway.
Conclusion: Tips for Men Dating over Forty
As usual, this is one man’s opinion. I am going through it so I feel I can at least put in my two cents. Dating changes as we get older, especially if we are coming out of a bad relationship or failed marriage. It is ok to be selfish and wait for what you want. Remember put in some effort and it won’t be as hard as it seems. If you like this article (or hate it) please let me know with a comment below. Also, there is a subscriber field on the side bar if you want more ramblings in your inbox!