For men being surprised by a divorce is brutal on several levels. Not only do we have to deal with the loss of our wife and family as we knew it, but we need to adjust to a different lifestyle. Everyone has separate duties in a marriage; a divorced man may have taken care of the lawn while his wife took care of the inside of the home. Whatever the division, now that the marriage has ended, we must learn a new set of skills as not to end up as the sad divorced guy. These new skills are essential in building the future we desire.
When you are a newly divorced man it takes its toll on you emotionally. If you are not careful you will spend your days in filth, eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, wasting away. As enjoyable as that sounds, it does not make for a rewarding life. The goal of this post is to help with the transition from being married to single. We need to set up our lives as to become the best versions of ourselves and move in a positive direction. It is easy for a newly divorced man to lose himself. Life is now different, most likely you did not want to be in this situation, but here you are, and you must adapt.
A Fresh Start….
Even if the divorce was your idea (which most likely it was not) divorce is harder on men. We are more likely to suffer from depression and even self-harm. It is imperative to have a plan as to how you will reshape your new reality. A divorced man’s world changes radically, if this is not something he wanted it is easy for things to spiral out of control. The good news is this can also be a new beginning. A time when you can make a fresh start. It will not be easy for most of you; below are the skills I think you should focus on to make the transition easier.
Acceptance
Some might not look at this as a skill, but before we do anything else, we must accept the situation as is. The first few weeks after my divorce (maybe months) I was in a daze. I kept wishing for my old life back. I expected a call from my ex that this was all a mistake. My world was shattered, I could not comprehend the new reality.
The fact of the matter is, she was not coming back. This is my life now and I am responsible for making it the best life possible. I needed to accept the truth of my situation, not how I wanted it to be. Once I fully realized my future was not going to be how I originally planned, I can start making a new plan. I could begin with working on my shortcomings and figure out what I want from my future. This does not happen unless you accept the situation as is, not how you wished it will be.
Cleaning/Organization
Let us face it, you may not have been responsible for the cleaning and organizing in your old life. It is easy to let things pile up and fall by the wayside. There is nothing worse than coming home to (or living in) a dirty house. It messes with your sanity and increases your stress levels.
A clean home will make you feel calmer. It clears the mind and brings peace. Cleaning is a skill, it is an easy skill…but a skill none the same. There are two important things to keep in mind a) have a schedule – stick to it, this way you know every part of your house will be completed. b) do not let things pile up. It is a lot easier to do one dish than twenty.
If cleaning is too tedious one of the best investments is a good housekeeper. There is nothing better than coming home to the smell of Fabulosa, knowing someone did all the hard stuff for you. Usually the cost of a housekeeper is not overwhelming, and well worth the money spent.
Organization is what you do after things are clean. Once again this is to relieve tensions. Being a divorced man allows you to set up the house the way you want. If we are being honest, in the past we were told where things go, any push back would cause an unnecessary fight. Not being sufficiently organized causes chaos. Chaos is not good for our mental health or goals. Set up a system that works for you, this is an important step to keeping your sanity.
Planning Social Events
It is imperative that you reconnect with old friends you may have lost during your marriage, as well as keep in touch with as many of your “couple” friends as possible. You will lose friends after a divorce, that is extremely common. It is adding insult to injury, but something we must live with. Still we need a social circle around us.
In the past your wife may have been the one to set up events with friends and even family; now it is up to you. You need to know birthdays, anniversaries, etc. It is imperative you stay social; it will help with the loneliness you may feel.
Maybe you have been married since you were in your early twenties and have no idea the process of throwing a party or setting up a holiday. If you want to keep people in your life, you need to learn to keep up with social events. The hermit life is not good for your mind.
Cooking
My wife is a good cook (if I am being honest a great one). I vowed to learn how to cook out of spite. Some people add love to their food, I am adding hate. I felt like I was robbed of a lot of good meals, meals that we enjoyed together. Since she is no longer providing this to me, I said “F*ck it I will do it myself.” For the record I always wanted to be a better cook but was not allowed in “her” kitchen.
A divorced man cannot live on ham sandwiches alone. Learn to make your favorite foods first. This way you can perfect them and eat them when every you desire. Secondly, learn to cook healthy, here you can improve yourself by enhancing your appearance. Do not just settle for boiling water and throwing Ragu into a pot, take the time to learn something a bit more complex.
Cooking is a skill, but it is not as difficult as people make it out to be. Learn the basics first then expand your knowledge base. YouTube has a ton of videos on how to cook. Personally, I go to Sam the Cooking guy or any class by Gordan Ramsey. I am not a Master Chef by a long shot, but I have already learned to make a damn good Bolognese among other things. The more I learn the less I miss what I had, and I can move on.
Solitude
Being alone all the time is a learning process. You do not just go from spending your nights with the wife (and possibly kids) to having no one to talk to without some adjustments. If I am to be honest it is not easy. Little things like commenting on a news article or a TV show we used to watch together are no longer the norm. These activities have been replaced with solitude.
A newly divorced man will need to get used to this loneliness, because that is what he will have much of the time. Friends help, but even if you are with friends, there is still this underlying emptiness of not being with the woman you married. There are ways around it, but at the end of the day you need to learn to be OK with being alone.
Unfortunately, I can think of no easy way to develop this skill, except live it. The solitude is still difficult for me 6-months later, but it has gotten easier. At times I even enjoy being alone. Just know, it most likely will be hard not having someone around if that is what you are used to. There are things that you can do to help lessen the pain, like throw yourself into work or join a meetup.com group, but at the end of the day you sleep in bed alone.
Dress/Self Care
Again, if most of us are being truthful we let our appearance slide during our marriage. You are not the best version of yourself if you are walking around in cargo shorts and a T-shirt from The Outback Steak House. It is time to start taking care of your outward appearance. The biggest impact is to workout which I will touch on below, but the quickest thing you can do is improve your style.
It does not have to be complicated. I am a big black T-shirt and jeans guy (not always), but I make sure my T-shirts are not ragged and my jeans are clean. There a number of style websites (here is a link to a list of them). No need to spend a lot of money, just keep improving your wardrobe a little at a time.
As for self-care and grooming we all know what we need to do. It is just a matter of doing it. Make sure everything that needs to be shaved is shaved, everything that needs to be washed is washed. If you have a beard keep it groomed etc… These may seem like basic concepts, but look around, how many people are following them? You should look your best every time you step out of the house. This starts with dressing and grooming appropriately.
Dating
As a newly divorced man you may not be ready to date yet and that is understandable. Personally, I am just dipping my toe into the water myself. I was married 5- years (have not dated in 7). Even in 7-years things changed a lot in the dating world.
Much of what the gurus say on YouTube is accurate, even if it is peppered with some ridiculous notions. First, there is little walking up to someone and asking them out. What was done for thousands of years is now viewed as creepy. Most women go online to find someone, where their options are limitless. Here you never know who you will get, it may be an Only Fans Girl looking for customers or a lunatic. In addition, women have much greater sense of entitlement these days, so expect a lot of non-responsiveness. Many will get 50 messages a day that just say “hi,” their options numerous, making it frustrating for men.
You may not be ready to date again. You might even be the “I will never date” guy. So be it, but it is still good to use some of your down time to sharpen your skills. To improve your odds in the dating pool your best bet is to strive for success in your own life. Be the highest version of yourself, financially, mentally, and physically. Other than that, read up on the mindset of women and how it is evolving. It is likely that shift in mindset is what cause your marriage to fail in the first place.
Home Décor
This goes back to keeping your stress levels low. As I look around my “divorced man” condo I realize even I am dropping the ball on this skill. My now ex-wife was much better at making our house a home. I am guessing you are in the same boat as me. Take the time to make your house look and feel the way you want it to. A few pictures and some plants are a good start.
I am all for a minimalist life and I think that should be practiced by most people. Still we do not need our home to look like it was designed by a 1960s Russian central planner. After your living space is organized figure out how you want it to look aesthetically. If you cannot get your home to look the way you would like, move if you can afford it. We are trying to move on after a divorce, not to live in a place that depresses us.
Self-Mastery/Discipline
When you look at your life and do not like what you see blame yourself. Even if your wife left you unfairly. Even if you were kicked out of your house after being laid off because of a failing company. Live by the theory no matter what happens in my life, I did something to cause it. This gives you the benefit of being able to improve or fix it. Fixing your life takes discipline.
Now that no one is nagging gently pushing you to act, you do not get a free pass to watch T.V. all night. Your life has abruptly changed, you need to figure out what you want next. Once you do this, you need the discipline to act. This will help you with all the other skills mentioned. Do not be lazy, get into the mindset of aiming for goals and seeing them through. The one benefit of being a newly divorced man is that his life is his own. No one is there to tell you your dreams are unrealistic, so have the discipline to accomplish what you want.
Develop a Routine
Your old way of living is gone, you may find you are all over the place. Some sleep odd hours (or not at all) and eat at strange times. You may not know what you are doing from one minute to the next. This is not healthy. It is imperative that you establish a routine. This routine can change over time, but you need some normalcy in your life.
Add things to your day that you will enjoy, small pleasures. Maybe grab a cup of coffee or a drink after work. In addition, make sure your routine supports the life you want. If you desire more money and better health, schedule your days to include work on a side project and hitting the gym. The goal is to know what you are doing every day, to not only set a new normal, but also to move you forward. Learn to establish a new routine as soon as the nightmare of the divorce is coming to an end… it is the only way to rebuild your life.
Financial Well-Being
Money, the thing that makes the world go round. One thing a newly divorced man does not have a lot of is money. Although you are suffering now, being broke does not have to be your fate. Even if you are saddled with big alimony or child support payments you should focus on expanding your earning power. Too many of us are in debt from financial mismanagement, being married certainly did not help the situation. In my (limited) experience women are worse with money than men and drag us down financially.
Whatever the reason it is imperative you learn to get your finances under control. Do not accept the horrid advice that money doesn’t buy happiness. Money is freedom and freedom is happiness. Have a good side income, and all of your debt paid off so you can leave corporate life forever.
Even if you earned the money you may not have been the one to pay the bills. Getting organized is important if this was your life. Create an accurate budget as soon as possible. The first step to having a mastery over money is knowing where the financial leaks in your life are and plugging those holes.
Physical Mastery
When marriages drag on or go south, we tend to stop taking care of ourselves health wise. The daily grind is difficult, and we put the things we deem as “unimportant” on a back shelf, such as exercise. In most marriages both men and women stop caring about their physical appearance and health.
A newly divorced man must get himself in the best shape possible. There are many reasons for this; yes if you want to date then it is imperative to look your best. More importantly you must consider other benefits, for example you do not want to die prematurely. Divorce is stressful and it puts your body through hell. If you are out of shape and eating garbage you are risking your life by adding an unhealthy lifestyle. It is funny how many people will throw on three masks to avoid Covid-19 but hit Burger King four times a week for lunch.
Another reason to get into shape is energy. Developing the life you want takes a lot of work. You will have trouble doing this if walking up the stairs makes you gasp for air. Your complacency in your marriage may have caused your health to suffer, make a pact with yourself that you will remedy this and not allow an unhealthy lifestyle in your future.
Conclusion: Twelve Skills a Newly Divorced Man Must Master
Being newly divorced means a new life. How that life goes is up to you. You can sit in your home and beat yourself up over everything you lost, or you can be determined to create the best future you can. Developing the skills above will help you move away from your old life into a newer one. Things will get better, slowly maybe, but they will…you just need to act in order to enhance your future.