I touched on the concept of accepting reality in my last post here, (a post geared toward men going through a divorce). After writing this I realized how important this idea is, therefore, I wanted to expand on the point. If 2020 taught me anything it is that accepting reality, not hoping for something that is no longer here, is crucial for my health and well-being.
If you looked over my “About Me” page you will see why I started this blog in the first place. This year has been a nightmare. So many of my fears came true and it is safe to say my whole life was (temporarily) destroyed. First, I lost my job, then my wife announced she wanted a divorce. I was “asked to leave” our beautiful new home (which we just moved into) and sent away from the dog I helped raise. I know it is only a dog, but I love that stupid animal. At 44 everything I held dearest, so many things I was proud of, disappeared in what seemed to be overnight.
A Wake-up Call…
I wanted nothing more than my old life back. Everything was taken away so quickly, one day I was in a beautiful home, the next I was sleeping on a couch of my 800 Sq. foot condo. This is temporary I thought. Surely, I will be called back for my job. My wife will realize what a horrible mistake she is making, and I will be with her again in no time. I was not accepting reality. I needed to wake up.
Any major negative life change can bring us to a place where we deny what is happening. A job loss, a death, a failure of a marriage, or an injury/disease. One second your life is on cruise control, the next it has fallen apart. It is easy to pretend difficult things did not happen, but that does nothing but harm us.
Accept the Chaos
It is natural to want things to be better or to go back to normal. How easy would it be if we could act like the ostrich and stick our head in the sand, ignoring what is happening? When we get stuck too much in “wishing” we are not accepting things as they are. This hurts us in a few ways. First, it makes the pain last longer.
You think you live in a beautiful home and have an amazing wife, but it is all gone. You are living in two different worlds. Almost as if you are in prison instead of accepting your reality, you think you are in one place when you are not. Looking at your old existence through a window you cannot open.
Secondly, you can’t move forward in your life. How can you possibly make a brighter future if you are not grounded in the reality of the situation? We cannot move forward until we know where we are. By not accepting the reality of where you truly stand, and thinking it will magically get better, you slow the positive progression of your life. Regardless how painful it is to admit the truth, you cannot make things better if you are living in a false reality.
Accepting Reality is Not Giving Up
Some might think, by admitting the truth one is giving up on a marriage (or career, health, etc..). I believe this thought process is incorrect. Yes, certain things cannot be reversed, such as a death of a loved one. This is not giving up, there is nothing you can do.
Other situations you may feel can be reversed or fixed. It could seem that if you accept where you are then you are not fighting for what you lost. Not true. Going back to the example of a man that was handed divorce papers, I am not saying just give up on the marriage. You can fight for what you want, but you also must realize where you currently stand, the realness of the current situation. Things went wrong, accept this, you are better prepared to fix this once you admit this to yourself.
You are also better equipped to deal with the aftermath if, despite your best efforts, things do not work out. If you go along thinking everything will be just fine, you are in for a world of hurt when you finally realize where you stand. Accepting reality puts one in a place of strength to fight for what one wants or rebuild their life if needed.
Accept People the Way They Are
People in our lives are not always the ones that we built in our head. Their actions show you who they are in their heart. So many say wonderful things when everything is ok. In my case my wife would tell me everything a husband wants to hear and promised to never leave me, repeatedly.
When she did abandon our marriage, I still thought of our relationship as the fairy tale in my head. I could not fathom anything different. The fact is my wife isn’t that person anymore (if she ever was). She has her demons and faults, and she is not that kind person I thought she was. Telling myself differently would be a lie.
The person I built up in my mind is not the real person I am dealing with. Maybe one day she was… but not now. How I perceived her in the past and believing that is how she remains does me no favors. She is showing me her true nature by her actions. Sometimes we create a false idea of those closest to us, we are blind to the proof we are given to the contrary. You need to accept the real person you are dealing with and all the damage they may have done. Do not idolize people who have shown to be different than you wish them to be.
Accepting Reality in the World
I was reading about various places I loved to travel and how badly they have been impacted by this awful year. New York City especially has taken a turn for the worse with all the crime and restaurants closing. I can pretend that my travel life will be the same, that I can relive some of my old adventures, but I am fooling myself. Much of the world that I loved is changed or gone. In many cases I will not be able to duplicate the past.
This mentality can be applied to America on a whole. Whether we like it or not we are moving toward a Socialist nation. Much of the country holds parasitic views that they are owed something for merely existing. The economy on a whole may never recover fully and employment prospects may not improve.
The job market is the way it is, the recruiters are the way they are. Finding a job is hard, especially for men looking in corporate America. The world right now is difficult for those trying to find work. We cannot imagine that we will magically go back to 2018. If it improves great, but things need to be taken as they are.
I can sit and complain about how unfair life is. How sad the world has turned out, but what does that get me? Wishing for the good old days will do nothing to improve my situation. I need to accept the reality of the new environment and adjust my strategy accordingly.
Accept the Reality of Your Own Shortcomings
It amazes me how many people will lie to themselves (and others) about their true identity. Go on any dating sight and see how many people who are clearly overweight call themselves “about average” or “Athletic.” Too many people are dishonest with themselves or make excuses for their own shortcomings.
Once again by not accepting reality you are only hurting yourself. How can you improve your life if you lie about your own faults? If you used to be 180 LBS, but now are 240LBs you got fat… own it and fix it. Admitting our limitations gives us accountability.
If something does not work out, put at least some blame on you. I feel like it is always better to be harder on yourself than easier. At least be completely honest and recognize your faults or how you may have changed for the worse. Accepting reality means being judgmental and recognizing what you need to correct. There is no other way to fix the aspects of your life that need work unless you are honest enough to point out your own flaws.
How to Accept Reality
I believe I made the point why it is important to accept a situation for what it is and not what we wish it to be. Unfortunately, accepting reality is not always that straight forward. Sometimes it is easier said than done. It took me months until it sank in that my marriage was ending. As for my job, I was originally furloughed. That lasted for 90 days. In my mind they were going to hire me back, in reality all signs pointed to me carrying a box of coffee mugs, protein powder, and loose change out the door.
The point I want to stress is it is sometimes difficult to accept a given situation. I have learned a lot in the past couple of months on this topic, one would say I was forced to. Keeping the below in mind may help with your situation.
The Steps…
- Give Yourself a Minute to Let the Shock Wear Off – I know it may seem contradictory to the above, but you do need a short time to come to terms with things when something goes bad. Whether it is a death, job loss, or break up let it sink in for a day or two… give yourself at most a weeklong pity party, but then force reality to hit.
- Say it Out loud – Whatever happened, own the new situation. Look in the mirror if need be but say it aloud. For example, “I am divorced now, whatever dream I had about this marriage is over, this is my new reality.” Repeat it until it sinks in. It is better than wishing for a change.
- Recognize Where You Messed Up – As mentioned above, I find it therapeutic to analyze a situation and see where my faults lie. Somethings will be totally out of your control, like a death (unless you backed over someone in your car). Others not so much, ask yourself “how did I contribute to this negative situation?” This will allow you to be stronger in the future.
- Plan the Life of Your Dreams – The old dream is over, what are your new dreams? For me, as a single man, it is traveling the world to countries with beautiful women, writing (hopefully) a successful blog and investing in real estate. Finding a new path, a new direction will take some of the sting out of what you lost.
Conclusion: Why Accepting Reality is Important
Terrible things happen, major life events that are mainly out of our control. Yes, life is unfair at times. A storm can come around and blow your home away. You do not sleep in the wreckage, refusing to accept that the house is gone. You accept it and decide to work for something better. No one gets through this life without losing something. Fix what you can, accept what you cannot.