Eight months after my wife first decided to end our marriage, and here I am now being hounded with personal questions. Most of which are about my dating life. This idea that a man needs a woman’s approval is ingrained into our society; boomers especially love this mentality. This post was partly inspired by a 28-year-old Quora thread about a man who said he is not living his life until he gets a girlfriend. This is a backward way of thinking. One should strive for the opposite approach; live your life, then find someone to fit into it. This is my train of thought and is why I currently don’t have a girlfriend.
The purpose of this post is not to demonstrate, why I am single, so much as it is to demonstrate why I believe it could be preferable to delay finding a partner. I have said this before I will say it again, I am not a hardcore MGTOW guy who has sworn off all women. I am just a man who has his priorities in order.
After a divorce so many people act like “finding someone” should be their number one goal. Given how much my life was shaken up (read more at the link), I am concentrating on being the person I want to be, not on having a woman. There may very well be a time when I do start dating. If you are being hounded as I am, just forward this post along to Grandma. Below are several reasons why it is more than reasonable not to strive for a relationship.
Take Mickeys Advice: Women Make You Weak (or Complacent)
The above is a Rocky reference, if you did not know that then you must be under twenty or under a rock. Think back to your married days (if you are now divorced) or even when you first started dating someone. Better yet look at your married friends now, how many of them are crushing their goals? When you are single there is more of a drive to become the best version of yourself. You want to impress the ladies, so you work out, try harder at work etc. Once involved in a long-term relationship we tend to get complacent
A big reason why I don’t have a girlfriend is that I enjoy the mentality that being single brings me. I am constantly thinking about what my next moves are and how I will improve my life. I never have to take anyone else into consideration. Too many men stop their growth as soon as they settle down. Working on a side project seems irrelevant, just watch The Bachelor with the wife. Going to the gym is secondary; who are you trying to look good for?
Soon the goals of a younger man are forgotten because he is comfortable. I will say many of my past dreams have come back after my divorce. I can concentrate on becoming the man I want to be instead of good enough to get by in the relationship I am in.
Trying to find a Girlfriend Takes Your Focus and Time
Too many men, especially us coming out of a divorce are obsessed with getting laid. If I am being completely honest, I was this man before I was married. Getting a girlfriend (or getting laid) occupied my life. All some men talk about is the girls they are meeting and where they can meet the next score. Whether you are trying to just hook up or whether you are trying to find “the one” it is time consuming and distracting. The number of games, dates, and messaging feels endless.
It is all exhausting. We have limited time on this planet, spending it on Tinder or Match.com is not the best use of this time. Then we have the pointless first dates, the endless texts, and the inevitable ghosting when she finds something shinier. This is not to mention how much it occupies your mind and thoughts, again distracting you from more important things.
Once you do weed out all the undateable women (or the ones that have obvious deal breakers), then there is the process of courting. Spending your time going to restaurants or the movies, time on the phone etc… just to find “the one”… F-that it isn’t worth the hassle. Even if you think you found a good chick, chances are the relationship will end anyway
As mentioned, use your time more wisely. Build yourself up, make more money. Instead of going to countless bars or scrolling Tinder, get to the gym and get into shape. Instead of spending two and a half hours on a date listening to the story of why her dog only has three paws, learn to cook (or any skill). The reason I do not have a girlfriend is because it is not worth the opportunity cost regarding our most valuable resource: Time
Women Are Expensive
Speaking of resources, women are costly. Especially if you are trying to lock one down. Even if you are just trying to hook up with someone, you still are probably buying them drinks at the bar. Not to mention, with a random hookup you may have to pay for a lifetime of herpes medicine and possibly an abortion down the road.
As for getting a girlfriend, your second biggest resource goes flying out the window. Multiple dates on the town at an expensive place, because let’s face it no woman is settling for a picnic in the park anymore. Just going to a decent restaurant is going to cost you $120 after drinks. Unless you are in high school, there is no “we will just meet for pizza.” Of course, you could go to Applebee’s, but then you have to eat at Applebee’s.
If things get more serious, there is Christmas, trips, birthdays… I can hear my bank account shrinking as I write this. If you make it even further, you will then help pay for a giant wedding. Those go for $20,000 or more. After this there is the inevitable cost of divorce and child support. That can crush a man financially and emotionally.
There is a great read called The Book of Numbers: Analyzing the ROI on the Pursuit of Women (buy here on Amazon) by Aaron Clarey. It talks about just how expensive getting a girlfriend can be. Spoiler alert, the numbers are not in your favor. All this money spent on trying to get “someone special” can be spent investing in the stock market, real estate, buying crypto and so on. There is an opportunity cost to all that cash you are wasting away, just for something that will likely end, leaving you broken and poor.
There are Other Risks to Dating
Let me leave out the numerous diseases that are floating around out there. There are other major risks. I recently heard about a guy taking a woman home, doing what drunk people do. It was what seemed to be a normal encounter. By the end of the night, she went crazy, and the night almost ended in the two brawling. Most women are not like this, but it only takes one.
For my taste and what I am trying to accomplish there are too many risks to dating, at least to put in any real effort. These days there are numerous things that can go badly and seeing the wrong girl can ruin your life. There are many tricks used against men. For example, “sperm jacking”, women trying to get pregnant to trap you is a real possibility. That is all one needs, go on a few dates, and end up with a liability that lasts for 18-years.
Then there are the women that will have buyer’s remorse. Before I write this, I do want to recognize that there are many true cases of abuse by guys, but I am addressing the false claims. In some states it is non consensual if the woman is drunk. No matter if you are both intoxicated men have no rights. It is always a risk after leaving a bar with someone.
When an allegation is levied against you, regardless of its validity, your life will be ruined. Even if you are found to be not guilty you will more than likely lose your job, good name, and pay thousands in legal fees. The juice of getting a girlfriend may not be worth the squeeze. Make sure you research any woman you are dating thoroughly. Remember today, the game is rigged against you.
Do I Need the Validation?
The real reason why I don’t have a girlfriend now, is I do not need a woman’s validation like I did in the past. Been there done that. So many men get their self-worth from women, and that is just a loser’s mindset. Whether you want a girlfriend or are just going out to hook up ask yourself why. Are you trying to build a meaningful relationship? Are you just a sex addict and need fulfillment? Or are you trying to prove something to yourself by getting women to validate you?
What a pathetic existence it is if you need a woman to make you feel worthy. Having a girlfriend (and possible wife) should be done to build a partnership, not make you feel more important. When you get a girlfriend, she should complement you, not be your reason for existence. It never ends well otherwise.
Gaining your self-worth from someone else is a losing game. You will never be satisfied, always chasing the next validation. You will also be crushed when you inevitably are rejected. When all of your value is tied up on a girlfriend’s approval, what is left when she is gone?
The Irony of Having a Girlfriend
One of the biggest catch-22s of getting women is this, when you desperately chase them, you rarely get a good one. You spend your life trying to get a girlfriend and you end up alone or attracting less than desirable women anyway.
Spending your time working on yourself has a much higher rate of return. Mind you, I am not saying better yourself to get a girlfriend, that goes back to validation. You should want to be the best version of yourself regardless of women.
The outcome will be you are more confident and more attractive to girls. So trying to get a girlfriend actually makes it harder to get one. Women hate weakness and desperation, work on yourself and you will achieve multiple goals.
To Sum Up Why I Don’t have a Girlfriend
Will I ever seriously think about dating again, sure. I still dabble on the online sites, but I just cannot muster any real energy. The dating scene has turned into such a cesspool and the opportunity cost is too great. It is fine if you are young and pursuing a relationship, have at it. Just do it for the right reason, not because your family is pressuring you. Not because it is what you are supposed to do. Certainly, do not try to get a relationship to build your own self esteem. Try to find a partner because it is what you want to do.