I love you but am not in love with you, there may not be a more confusing statement a wife or girlfriend can make. Gut wrenching is another word for it. Some men may not actually understand the full ramifications of this phrase. I know I did not when it was told to me. She made the meaning perfectly clear later with some of her follow up statements.
So, what does I love you but I’m not in love with you mean? This means that the feelings of attraction and respect are gone, she still cares about you like a girlfriend (or a puppy), but not as a partner, not as a man. Does this sound harsh? It should because it is. When your wife or girlfriend says this, it is a five-alarm fire in your relationship.
This does not happen in a bubble; you certainly share some blame for her low feelings of attraction toward you. I am not saying it is all your fault. If you want to have any hope of the relationship being repaired, it is your job to fix it. Let me tell you what I have learned from hearing the dreaded “I love you but am not in love with you” cliché.
It is About Attraction: Nothing Else
I have come to learn in my 44th year just how differently women think than men. After I was told the above statement I was pondering to myself, “why is it that some women stay with terrible guys? Why do they still love men that are abusive, cheaters, or drug dealers etc… Yet they walk away from a nice guy”?
How do I say this in a politically correct manner? Women are not rational like men are when it comes to attraction. If a man shows weakness he is done in her eyes. Women are attracted to men of strength (or perceived strength) first and foremost. Unfortunately for them that even applies to the men that treat them poorly.
How Are We in This Situation?
So how did we get here? Each circumstance is different, but I feel if you thought about it long enough you will find the answer. This either happens gradually over time or by some sudden event (or a combination of both).
In my situation, my wife told me these words two weeks after I lost my job. There were other factors, like weight gain and an overall negative attitude, that I am sure did not help. Her stated reasons for the split were all over the map, but denied it had anything to do with my job loss.
Still too many of her words and actions confirmed this notion of a lack of respect and attraction. From her viewpoint I went from waking up every morning at 5:30 AM to go to work, to sleeping until 9:00 am collecting unemployment. Combined this with her booming career and we have a recipe for disaster.
A Man Needs Goals
Did you act like a man with a purpose? I know even before I lost my job, I got complacent. When we met, I was always looking toward the future, looking at the next step in my career. I was also a brown belt in Judo and frequently winning grappling tournaments. I was a man with confidence and purpose in my career and personal endeavors.
At the start of 2020 I let life come down on me, the job loss was the final straw. So I will ask you, did you stop pursuing your own goals? Did you replace your dreams with hours of video games? Have you become weak toward her, not showing a spine? If this happened in your relationship the loss of attraction is your fault just as much as it is hers. This may be why she says “I Love You but I’m Not in Love With You”
It May Not be Your Fault, but it is Your Responsibility
I was thrown into a bunch of bad situations, not all of them were under my control. Yes, my attitude was in my power, but my unemployment and the Covid recession is something that is out of my realm of influence. Who is to blame is irrelevant. It is my problem and my responsibility to fix. Playing the victim only makes you more unattractive. Man up or be forever considered her buddy.
Warning Signs
How do you avoid the dreaded I love you, but I’m not in love with you comment? If you are on this post, then more likely than not you have already heard it. Still, it might help to know what can be done to avoid it getting this far. If not for your current relationship, maybe your future ones.
- She is Extra Critical: If you cannot do anything right in her eyes, she is losing respect for you. I remember a couple of weeks earlier being told that everything I did can be outsourced. The fact that I was not valued should have been a warning sign.
- Affection/Sex has Diminished: Things slowdown in most relationships in terms of sex. If it falls off almost completely there is a problem. Some might say, she is tired or losing her sex drive, do not believe them. I have heard of women cutting their husband off for a year then cheating on them. That does not sound like she was tired, sounds like she was tired of him. If you are not even getting small amounts of affection, you are in serious trouble.
- You are a shell of your former self: Goes back to what I said earlier about being responsible for the situation. If you are not the man she first started dating, you are complicit in her loss of attraction. Do not gain 75lbs and play video games all day and expect her feelings not to change negatively. Also do not buy this societal you are great no matter what B.S., because you are not, you are great when you make yourself great.
- She is Disrespectful to you in Public: Women do not belittle men they are attracted to in public. Period. If your wife or girlfriend is constantly cutting you down in front of others, expect to hear “I love you but am not in love with you” shortly.
This list is not all inclusive, but just be aware if the above is happening.
What to Do About it?
There is not a ton you can do to immediately turn around the situation. There are things you can say and do to make things worse. I did many of them and it certainly did not help. Do not cry, beg, act weak, or whine these are all things women find unattractive. I remember I would say things, like “what am I going to do? I do not even have medical insurance.” She turned around and called me weak, that cut like a knife. Really the only way I can see this turning around for anyone is with the below ingredients.
Self-Improvement
If you want to bring back that loving feeling you need to be the best version of yourself that you can be. To start, you need to have a goal and purpose. A man is most attractive to a woman when he is working toward a worthwhile venture. Sorry, being the head elf in World of Warcraft is not considered worthwhile. Yes, it is true that some women will also kill your dreams if they feel their security is at risk, but for the most part you need to be working toward a better you.
So, take this time alone to get into shape, ridiculously good shape. Work on a business venture or finding a better job. Learn a skill, trade, or anything that if seen to fruition will improve your life.
You also must take care of your own sh*t. If your finances are a mess and you cannot keep a house clean make it a priority to do better. A self-sufficient man is a more attractive man.
Time Away
The other ingredient is time. Change will not happen overnight, just like her losing attraction for you did not happen overnight. It will take time for things to turn around. The sad reality is there may never be a reconciliation. You are not bettering yourself for her, you are doing it for yourself. An improved life is the reward in and of itself, whether she comes back in time is irrelevant. Change just for her and you are likely to go back to the status quo if she comes back. Even when things do not work out self-improvement will make you better for the next woman (if you want one)
Time away from a woman has the added benefit of adding attraction. She may start to think she is losing control, which makes her want you more. It is better to spend some time apart than to beg her to love you every two minutes.
When Not to Take Her Back
There is a sad reality that I have been dodging. Your wife or girlfriend may have already moved on, even before she said the words, I love you but am not in love with you. She could have found someone who is a terrible person, but who she sees as a higher value than you. Does this hurt? Good, it should hurt. Use this anger and pain as fuel to improve your life
I am not saying this is always the case, I know for a fact that this is not happening with me (she would not even go to the store due to the pandemic). If it drags on too long it will happen and that is where things end.
If another man is involved never take her back, unless you want to be a weak fool for life. After she is dumped or splits with someone else she was having fun with she comes back to her puppy who she can control. Maybe when she closes her eyes the one time every two-months you guys have sex she is imagining her short-term fling. Think I am lying? Go read the confessions on ScaryMommy.com, women say all the time how much they miss their affair. You are not to allow yourself to be someones second (or third) choice.
Conclusion: I Love you but I’m Not in Love with you
The above are words no man ever wants to hear. They are a cliché and yet cut like a knife. Your relationship may or may not survive after this revelation. Whatever happens work to be the best version of yourself and let the cards fall where they may.