I was talking to a friend the other day, and the question came up…would you date someone who is going out with a bunch of other guys? How many dates until you become exclusive? There are two schools of thought on this, one being take your time and date as many people as possible. Others say they wouldn’t share a woman and it is too much work to try and juggle multiple partners. Admittedly I lean toward the latter camp. Dating for an extended period, nonexclusively, usually goes nowhere.
This does not mean I am putting a ring on it after the first date. Obviously at the beginning, it doesn’t make sense to be exclusive. How many dates until you become exclusive? This is a personal choice, but for me, after four or five dates I will put other women on the backburner. I will also start feeling her out to see if she is dating anyone else. This is especially true if we are meeting up (biblically). This isn’t any huge level of commitment; it just means I take the distractions out of it. Let me break down why I feel this way.
First Assume Nothing
People love loopholes, never assume exclusivity, unless you enjoy unpleasant surprises. You can be two months in, sleeping together like rabbits, yet she has a FWB on the side. Technically she did nothing wrong but is this really the way you want to start a relationship? It is better to get your cards on the table, than to get hit with a surprise.
Ask her about exclusivity, if she tells you no, or that she is dating other people, then you have all the information that you need. It is up to you how you want to proceed. Personally, it would disqualify someone if they were dating around. It is not like I care about the competition; it is that if she is still looking at other options after four or five dates, then she clearly can’t choose wisely. Bottom line it is better to ask than to assume.
What Do I mean By Dating Exclusively?
For me it is exactly what it sounds like. I am not talking about going to farmers markets and meeting the parents. Just not f*cking other people or dates that is where it ends. You can get to all the other stuff eventually; we can just concentrate on each other until we figure it out.
People act like being exclusive is some huge commitment. You can change your mind at any time, I guess you can do that with marriage as well, but not easily. How much effort is it to NOT sleep with someone else for a couple of weeks until you figure things out?
Why I Become Exclusive After a Few Dates
There is an old Chinese saying. You can’t chase two rabbits. There are people, some whose advice I generally agree with, who say you should date multiple people. I’ve done it, I do not find it optimal. It is too expensive and it takes up too much of my time. Right off the bat I know which woman I am leaning toward anyway, then it feels like I go through the motions with the other ones.
If I did not “have the talk” after date three or four and she slept with someone I would be out. Yes, she didn’t do anything wrong, she can sleep with anyone she wants; you weren’t exclusive. The thing is I am also allowed to leave for whatever reason I want… We both have the right to make our choices. Call me weird, but sleeping with other people is as good of reason as any to disqualify someone.
Can You Be Exclusive Too Soon
So, can you be exclusive too soon? It depends on the people involved, but sometimes it feels a bit rushed. If you are on the first date it is probably weird to have that talk. I have had fantastic first dates, but I am not becoming exclusive after them. Patients will go a long way in relationships. These days there are so many rules, and you will more likely chase them away if you are trying to be exclusive too quickly.
There should be three or four people in your queue when you just start dating someone. I personally know fairly quickly if I will be putting them on the back burner. Sometimes we get too much in our own head about these things.
Men Invest More than Women
I feel like men have a lot more invested than women when it comes to dating in the beginning. No matter how much of a Chad you are, your dating queue doesn’t look like even the average woman’s mailbox. Additionally, we are investing more in terms of money at the start of a relationship as well. I would hate to put in both time and money, only to find out the person wants to date around. Call me selfish, but if I am putting in an investment, I am the only one who should be collecting the dividends. If I am on the fourth date, spending money on someone, it would be a deal breaker if she is sleeping with her unemployed pot smoking neighbor.
My Rules for How Many Dates Until You Become Exclusive?
So, for me, it is more of a feeling than anything, but if I had to quantify it, I would say here are my rules 1) If we are sleeping together (not a one-night stand), while dating I pretty much expect exclusivity. Of course, the conversation will be had, but still, it should be obvious.
2) If I have invested any decent amount of money and time into this (5 or 6 dates) then yes, personally I would think we should be exclusive. Not putting a label on it, just something to build on. 3) Also, if we are seeing each other more days during the week than not, then I will have the talk. That really shouldn’t be the case in the beginning (or ever) 4). Lastly, if I am meeting her friends or family (and vice versa) then we need to have that conversation. It would be humiliating to introduce someone to my friends, only for them to run into her on another date.
What The Experts Say
Once again, these modern dating “experts” chime in and over complicate things. I have read several different theories on how many dates you should go on to be exclusive. Many articles say wait 3 months, like this one here. All I have to ask is… why? What is the upside to sleeping around when trying to build a relationship with another person?
If you become exclusive and a bunch of red flags emerge (like the one mentioned here), get the hell out. It is not like I told you to sell your soul to this person, just don’t f*ck anyone else. As mentioned, it is not that big of a sacrifice. Really, if you can’t even commit to exclusivity to someone you are sleeping with then why bother? Today there are too many choices and people are always looking for what is better out there. Somehow, we have more choices, more “rules” yet more single miserable people.
Conclusion: How Many Dates Until You Become Exclusive?
You know my take on it, make a choice and stick with it until they disqualify themselves or we move forward. If you are trying to actually have a relationship in this year, then not sleeping around usually goes a long way. Just my two cents, would love to hear opposing arguments.